Some Other Time

I told my sister that my doctor wanted me to get a colonoscopy and she warned me not to do it, because her husband had one and he got an infection right after that and ended up losing a foot of his colon.  My sister told me to ask my doctor if I could just get the Cologuard kit in place of the procedure.  My brother-in-laws surgery scared me and when I had my doctor’s appointment, I told her why I didn’t get the procedure done that she wanted me to have.  She said that the Cologuard test is not as effective as the colonoscopy, because it can only detect blood in your stool and it would not be able examine for any abnormalities like irritated and swollen tissue, ulcers, polyps, and cancer, but she understood my apprehensions, and she reluctantly ordered the kit for me.

Great, I was not going to have to have that half inch diameter camera shoved all the way up inside my rectum and all I need to do is read the instructions.  The kit comes with a bracket that is placed between the toilet bowl and the seat cover and you lower the seat once the bracket is in place.  Next you open the sample container and place it inside of the bracket.  You pull your pants down, sit on the toilet and make a bowel movement directly into the container and then remove the sample container from the bracket.  At this time you can finish going, or wipe with toilet paper and discard the bracket.

The next step involves the use of a tube that comes with the kit.  Turn the white tube cap and unscrew it till it is open.  Remove the probe from the tube.  Scrape the surface of your stool sample with the probe until the end has stool on it and make sure the surface of your stool covers the grooves on the probe.  Place the probe back into the open end of the tube and turn the cap to close.  The next step involves soaking of the stool with special preservative so that the lab can test it.  Open the preservative bottle and pour all of the liquid in it over your stool.  Put the lid back on the collection container and make sure that you have pressed the lid tightly enough, where it won’t tighten any more.  Fill out all the shipping labels, place the tube sample and the collection container back in the box, pack it up and ship the sample to the lab

OK I had read all of the Cologuard instructions and I felt a bowel movement approaching, this was an emphatic need to poop and I was more than ready to unburden my bowels.  I unpacked my kit and had everything set up so I could make a deposit in the container and get this over with.  Cue the trumpets, “ba-ba-ba-ba-ba” let the big event begin.  I dropped my pants, sat on the toilet leaning forward with my hands resting on my thighs.  I began to breathe deeply from the bottom of my lungs with my mouth open to prevent any unnecessary straining as I wanted this to come out smoothly.  I began to relax my anal sphincter allowing it to open my bottom, by slowly massaging the area of skin between my anus and my testicles, which I like to call putting my backfield in motion, as this secret trick never fails when I want to let the stool out.  I knew another sure fire way to speed things along was to get into a squatting position, so I lifted my feet slightly off the floor.  I kept using my deep breath to increase the pressure in my abdomen trying to maintain a better control over this, as I wanted to push everything out towards my anus.  I was comfortable and it was going to happen, that is until I looked up and saw that creepy spider situated on top of the roll of toilet paper and I thought maybe I could try and do this at another time.

Tagged by Melanie.

My Tiny World

Today I decided to participate in Melanie B Cee’s Share Your Heartfelt World 2-11-19 challenge, but I am skipping the romantic questions.

QUESTIONS:

What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?

That depends, when it is football season, then my answer would be watching football.  Now that I am older and retired, I don’t get out that much, so my weekends are not that much different from my weekdays.  I enjoy writing every day, it is kind of like performing some sort of a civic duty for me.  It makes me feel good when I know that I have written something significant.

Who do you admire most in the world?

I admire water! Water is beautiful and peaceful.  How could anybody take a shower without water?  Even up in space when an astronaut wants to take a shower, they step into a stall and close the door and turn on the water.  They then get themselves wet and wash up just like on Earth, however, due to weightlessness, the water droplets and soap don’t flow downwards into a drain, they float about.  I enjoy drinking water, swimming in water at the beach or in a pool, not so much in a lake, unless it has a sandy bottom as I don’t enjoy getting mud on my feet.  How would you ever be able to wash your clothes or flush a toilet without water?

What do you regret not doing?

I wish that I would have learned how to play an instrument, or have taken singing more seriously and I regret that I am not a good dancer.

If you see a puddle on the ground, do you walk around it or over/in it?

When I was a kid, I might have splashed around in it and had fun, but when you get to my age getting messy is no longer fun, so I would try to walk around it or step over it.

Greatest Feeling

Fandango’s Provocative Question #13 asks. “Do you believe that size matters?  Please explain your response.”  OK I am going to go there, but it has never mattered to me.  One day I hooked up with this widow and she said, “You are so much bigger than my husband”, and this made me feel good.  No one had ever compared me to any of their former lovers before, and it was nice to know that I was not a disappointment to her.  I know from watching porn videos that I am not what is considered to be big, so maybe she just said that to make me perform better.

Many women go around questioning their looks saying things like, “Does this make me look fat?”, where as I have never asked anyone, “Do you think that I am too small?”  Almost every man is 3 to 5 inches flaccid, and 5 to 7 inches erect, but everyone likes compliments, so I take them when I can get them.

If You Have To Know

  1. Name a moment in your life when you felt you were most courageous.

This punk was holding a knife on my brother and I approached him slowly and said, “We did not know that you owned this street, otherwise we would not have cut through it.  Now that we know, we won’t come back this way again.”  After saying that I had inched my way close enough to this dude to punch him in the face and my brother was free.  The other guy that was with my brother and I was a real fighter and he picked up one of these guys and threw him up into a tree.  We kicked their butts and they never bothered us again.

  1. If you had to choose only one breakfast cereal for the rest of your life, which one would it be?

That would probably be honey nut Cheerios and if that bee fell into my bowl, I would eat him too.

  1. When have you felt the most scared?

We heard about this old house being haunted, so being curious kids we decided to check it out.  There was a big sign in the driveway that said, “Private Property No Trespassing Protected by Armed Guard”, but we ignored that.  We walked around inside the house as it was vacant, but there was really nothing to see, so we left.  This man followed us to our car and he pointed a gun at my friends and I and he told us that he had the right to shoot us.  I realized that this guy was a loose cannon and I was really scared.

  1. If you could sing like any musical artist, who would you choose?

Eric Clapton

  1. Do you collect anything?

Not anymore, but I used to collect a lot of stuff.

  1. If you could live inside a TV show or movie, what would it be?

Blacklist

  1. Have you ever had a reoccurring dream? If so, what was it?

My most reoccurring dreams involve having to go pea and then I wake up and take care of it.

  1. What’s your Zodiac sign?

Two fish

Written for Fandango Getting to Know Me, but why anyone wants to know about me is beyond my wildest dreams.

I don’t usually do this part as I dislike asking people to do things, but I am supposed to select two bloggers to tag, so they can answer the same eight questions. I will pick Paula and Di as they both seem to be good sports about this kind of thing.

In The Dystopian Future

Di at pensitivity101 asked me to tell a story about the picture above and you should read the story that she wrote about a girl and a dog sitting on the railroad tracks (Let me tell you a third story).  A gynoid is anything that resembles or pertains to the female human form.  Though the term android refers to robotic humanoids regardless of apparent gender, the Greek prefix “andr-” refers to man in the masculine gendered sense.  Her name was Astrid and she preferred being called a fembot.  She was a huntress and Astrid understood that she was a synthetic organism, 100% machine that was fully owned by the company that built her, even though she was designed to look and act like a real woman.

Astrid was gifted with these dangerous curves which could be a curse or a blessing, but she had a job to do and she had just embarked on long journey.  Astrid had mastered wormhole technology becoming the first fembot with the ability to locate the tiny crevices, wrinkles and voids in time and this allowed her to pop up anywhere she desired.  Astrid was at one with the quantum foam, knowing that nothing is perfectly flat or solid, she was proficient at looking closely enough to find these holes and wrinkles in space-time that created the gravitational tunnels for her use.  Astrid would emerge from a passage through space-time which she created to make a shortcut for her long journeys across the universe.

Astrid had been pursuing Tyrick the terror of the Milky Way for the past decade and this time she was one step ahead of him. The Constitution of the Galactic Government had deemed Tyrick guilty of war crimes and for instituting an anarchist government where he took advantage of all the citizens on Sirius Prime and Astrid was assigned to bring him to justice.  She got a tip that he would be arriving on Vaonus shortly to purchase tridium for his new planet blaster and she would be waiting here for him.

I Will Be There

Paula developed a story from the picture above that was in one of Rory’s challenges and I had told her that if she needed my help that all she had to do was call me, so now I am roped into this photo prompt writing challenge.  I love what she did with the story so far and I will give it my best effort to Tell The Story: ”Laryk the Red” [fiction 453].  I will summarize what Paula wrote, but to make sure that you don’t miss any details, you should click the link above and read it in her own words.  A 5 year old boy named Edwin meets a bully named Larry K at summer camp who continuously picks on him.  Kids are basically mean and when they see Edwin is getting bullied they join in and now he is miserable and his only consolation is the imaginary friend that he made up who he named Laryk the Red.

The picture gives you a good description of what Laryk the Red looks like and Paula stated that he was a mean son of a bitch. Somehow this Laryk the Red manifests himself into Edwin’s personality which is good at first as he gains more confidence in himself, but his behavior has changed for the worse as he is acting nasty toward other children.  His parents try to get him psychological help to no avail and he spirals out of control at this point, eventually being sent to prison.  Larry K is also in prison and he spots a familiar face gazing back at him across the table.  “You got a problem?” Edwin asked.  Larry K a redheaded man looked down at his plate. “No. Sorry. I thought I might have known you from a long time ago.”  “Hell no.” Edwin flicked a pea at him. “I’d remember.”  This is where I am supposed to continue with the story.

Edwin had become his nemesis and he was way better at this than Larry K was.  Their skills were nearly identical, but because of the power that Edwin was drawing from Laryk the Red, he had developed into a far more intimidating character. No one had ever flicked a pea at Larry K before, as he had always been the one picking on others and for the first time in his life, he was unsure of himself.  Larry K had always had issues, as his Dad beat him when he was small for wetting the bed and when he cried he was always told to toughen up and be a man.  His Dad was sent to prison when Larry K was 4 years old and he was embarrassed about this, which is probably why he first started acting out bullying others.

Edwin had developed Laryk the Red out of his fear of the redheaded kid named Larry K, but he had changed so much since he was the innocent 5 year old boy who went to summer camp all those years ago and he was probably too far gone to ever become normal again.  It was too late for Edwin because of all the negative interactions that he had with his imaginary companion, and nothing was ever going to bring him back.  Edwin probably did not recognize Larry K at first because of the prison tattoo on his face, but then it came back to him and he said, “You are the dick who pushed me into the pool at summer camp, you threw a volleyball at me and caused me to dump my dinner tray.  I have been waiting for twenty years to pay you back for how mean you were to me.”

Larry K said, “I thought that I recognized your face, but I couldn’t quite place you because you changed so much.  How about we each step back a bit and try to become friends?”  Edwin laughed and said, “Friends, I am going to stab you in your eye and then eat it with my pudding you asshole.”  All the other prisoners stopped eating and started chanting, “Fight, fight stab him in the eye.”  They both seemed disappointed when the guards came around to break it up and they each got sent to solitary confinement.  As Edwin was being dragged away, he yelled out, “I am not finished with you yet.”

I guess I am supposed to pass the story on at this point and whoever wants to continue it please feel free to do that.

Silly Questions

I saw several bloggers answer Rory A Guy Called Bloke questions today and although, I usually don’t get involved in this stuff, these questions looked like fun, so I am going for it.

If vampires can’t see their reflections, why is their hair always so neat?

I know that Warren Zevon says, “I saw a werewolf drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic’s And his hair was perfect”, and I guess this perfect hair also goes for vampires.  If I ever did meet a vampire, I would probably stay away from him, because I hear that they make a habit of ripping your lungs out, Jim, and I do not care to meet his tailor.

If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

This is a serious issue, but I don’t think that the police need to be called to a daycare center when a three-year-old is resisting a rest, however this becomes a more important issue when someone tries to prevent a kid napping.

If they weren’t called grapes and you had the opportunity to rename them, what would you call them?

I see grapes as being a collection of vine grown elongated shapes, so ‘cvges’ would work for me, but don’t ask me how to pronounce that

If the grass wasn’t green what color would you make it?

There’s a place in France where naked ladies dance. And the men all stare ‘Cause they don’t wear underwear.  They need some grass just to cover up their ass. If the grass was transparent colored, then the guys could see it all.

Has your imaginary friend ever had an imaginary friend, or just you?

My imaginary friend actually didn’t say all that much.  I think that he was afraid of me, so he never actually confided in me.  I guess he probably did as I was not very nice to him.

So, dance in the rain, wallow in the mud or naked angel in the snow?

Can you describe your blog to me without using the letters i and e?

I imagine that is possible.

What are you afraid of becoming?

The thing that scares me the most is that guy in a black cloak carrying a scathe, or his buddy that appears riding on a pale horse coming after me.