We Are Flatlanders

On this day April 19, 2019 Melanie B Cee has put on her pointed cap again, but I am not calling her a dunce or a witch, although if I see her flying around on a broom, then I will change my tune, hey that rhymes.  Some of my former teachers made me sit in the corner as a punishment, but I was never compelled to wear a dunce cap.  Most of my punishments consisted of me having to write 100 times on the blackboard, “I shall not chew gum in class”.  Stupid petty punishment as it never even helped me to improve my handwriting skills.  Actually these questions have nothing to do with Melanie, they are from Teresa Grabs (aka The Haunted Wordsmith) and her Fibbing Friday post and I thought I would give them a whirl.

  1. Those aren’t chemtrails or clouds…what are they?
  2. Obviously the Earth isn’t round, but it isn’t flat either…what shape is it?
  3. Salmonella doesn’t come from chicken…what does it come from?
  4. Aliens were found in Roswell, but they weren’t taken to Area 51…where were they taken?
  5. Trump was ordained, but by who?
  6. Mars does hold life, but they aren’t martians…what are they?
  7. The internet is spying on you, but who/what is behind it?
  8. We don’t create TV shows…what are TV shows really?
  9. Social media really does erode personalities, but what is the purpose of doing that?
  10. IKEA really is a trap…what is the mystery that keeps people there?

My answers:

  1. Those trails left behind from a jet airplane streaking across the sky always mesmerized me as a child, but I have moved on to studying entrails as there is so much more that we can learn from them. I have become a haruspex trained to practice a form of divination that involves the inspection of the sacrificed animal entrails in order to read omens for the future.
  2. Our Earth is a three dimensional sphere, but from space this truly global picture of the third dimension is not seen and Earthlings become Flatlanders. Human beings, living in a three-dimensional world, can easily recognize two dimensional objects like triangles, squares and other polygons of our Flatland, which are only lines. When Earth is viewed from the fourth or a higher dimension it is possible to catch glimpses of the true nature of three-dimensional objects and to see their relationships to one another. The mathematical journey into the fourth dimension starts with a point, a zero-dimensional object having no length, breadth, or height. A point stretches into a line, which in turn sweeps out a square, which then balloons into a cube, or if you started with a circle this becomes a sphere. Once a line forms, at each succeeding stage, the figure expands in a new direction at right angles to those directions already defined. I hope that I cleared this up for everyone.
  3. It does not take the wisdom of Solomon, or the wizards Saruman and Sauron for everyone to know that salmonella comes from salmon.
  4. The aliens that were captured at Roswell were ground up and made into crop circles.
  5. I am pretty sure that Trump was ordained by either some dumb Republican, or a stripper, or by Vladimir Putin.
  6. At one time Mars did have Martins, but like the aliens at Roswell they were also ground up and mixed with gin, vermouth and olives.
  7. Internet spying is the result of malicious Keystroke logging software that Russian hackers have installed on your computer to keep an eye on what you are writing about. They also take control of your cam in hope that they can catch you watching porn.
  8. TV shows are the dreams that Mr. Ed had after he rubbed Jeanie’s lamp.
  9. Social media exists to make everyone agree with the nonsense spouted out on Twitter by that orange dude.
  10. People get trapped inside of IKEA, because it is built like a maze and there is a lot of smelly cheese there.

Written for Fibbing Friday.

Whoppers To Tell

This place that I worked at had a problem with someone taking other people’s lunches from the office refrigerator.  How low do you have to be to do such a thing, I have been real hungry at times and I would never think of doing this.  This was happening on a daily basis and it was before cameras were popular, so there was no way to monitor who the thief was, but we knew it had to be one of our co-workers.  The unsuspecting victim would be out of a lunch that day and they would be forced to eat from the roach coach.  It wasn’t like somebody accidently grabbed another person’s lunch, it was rampant and it happened every day.  There was this guy named Jack and he ate a tuna fish sandwich every day.  Jack always put his name on his lunch bag and this happened to him several times and he was the kind of guy that would not let things go, so he made a plan.

Jack went home and he made a dog food sandwich, he wrote his name on the bag and he decided to eat from the roach coach every day.  When lunch arrived, he went straight to the frig to check if his lunch was still there.  If it was, then he ordered form the roach coach truck where the food was barely tolerable, but Jack was determined, so he did what he had to do.  One day he saw that his lunch was missing, so he went snooping around and he discovered who stole his lunch.  This guy worked a few cubicles away from him and Jack smelled the dog food on his breath.  Jack told everyone that worked there and we all started calling this dude “Dog boy”.  We would bark at him, everytime he came around and after that the lunches stopped disappearing.

Written in response to Rory’s challenge.

Rhino Count

To celebrate my completion of Ninny Rhino month, I gave my rhino a rainbow striped coat. I made a commitment to write at least 1,000 words for every day in March and I made it!  Here is a list of the posts that I wrote this month.  The bottom two are already written, but I have not officially posted them yet.

March 1 – A Ninny Rhino – 337 Words
March 1 – Nobody Gonna Make Me Sing – 692 Words
March 2 – Dance To The Music – 272 Words
March 2 – Sure Like To Ball – 831 Words
March 2 – Response From Helen – 456 Words
March 3 – She Wants Him – 1,240 Words
March 4 – Got Pulled From The Dock – 1,145 Words
March 5 – Weekly Song Challenge Round 3 – 156 Words
March 5 – Glowing – 957 Words
March 6 – The Perfect YES Man – 183 Words
March 6 – Slightly Different From A Cookie – 973 Words
March 7 – Age Is Just A Number – 1,238 Words
March 8 – Better Off Alone – 1,488 Words
March 9 – Bash You In The Head – 564 Words
March 9 – All That Remain – 894 Words
March 9 – Talking In Your Sleep – 441 Words
March 10 – A Cruel And A Heartless Deed – 823 Words
March 10 – Magellan Never Made It – 239 Words
March 11 – Weekly Song Challenge Round 4 – 217 Words
March 11 – Never Seems To Be Quite Enough – 664 Words
March 11 – Promoting Peace and Love – 141 Words
March 12 – Try And Understand – 1,190 Words
March 13 – The Orange President – 186 Words
March 13 – Things Inside My Head – 1,054 Words
March 14 – Area Of A Round Field – 980 Words
March 14 – Power To The People – 520 Words
March 15 – Watch The Drops Of Rain – 1,267 Words
March 16 – Heart And Soul – 222 Words
March 16 – Let Me Die In Your Arms – 918 Words
March 16 – Green Beer, Corned Beef and Leprechauns – 112 Words
March 16 – Spring Break – 606 Words
March 17 – Don’t Know Much – 1,206 Words
March 18 – 2019 AZ Challenge – 347 Words
March 18 – Thinning Hair – 444 Words
March 18 – A Bold World – 270 Words
March 19 – Some Little Something – 1,063 Words
March 20 – Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater – 314 Words
March 20 – Come Back Home – 730 Words
March 21 – The Way You Rock And Roll – 1,685 Words
March 22 – Hug And Kiss You – 1,102 Words
March 23 – Annual Wellness Exam – 544 Words
March 23 – Just Another Pleasant Valley Sunday – 695 Words
March 24 – Where All The Pages Are My Days – 868 Words
March 24 – The Meaning Of Life – 278 Words
March 25 – Summer Goes Winter Blows – 1,066 Words
March 26 – Dreaming Of A Thousand Lovers – 779 Words
March 26 – One More Post – 244 Words
March 27 – People Have Got To Know – 162 Words
March 27 – Crack It Open – 1,160 Words
March 27 – Moment Of Truth – 88 Words
March 28 – She Knows How To Rock And Roll – 1,145 Words
March 29 – The Best Things Always Disappear – 920 Words
March 29 – Our Place In The Universe – 1,058 Words
March 30 – Pillsbury Doughboy – 237 Words
March 30 – Rhino Count – 568 Words
March 30 – What Up – 720 Words
March 31 – Ever Since They Tore The Juke Box Down – 1,128 Words

A Ninny Rhino

Cage Dunn Writer, Author, Teller-Of-Tall-Tales alerted me to this March Madness writing challenge, where you make a commitment to write some minimum amount of words for every day in March.  The Ninny Rhino is a phrase that was misconstrued from a Mini-Wri-Mo, meaning a small writing month.  A mondegreen is a word or phrase that is misheard, but it makes sense in your head, becoming sort of like an aural malapropism.  Instead of saying the wrong word, you hear the wrong word.  The word mondegreen is generally used for misheard song lyrics, although technically it can apply to any speech.  The term mondegreen was originally coined by author Sylvia Wright, and has come to be quite widely used.  As a child, Wright heard the lyrics of The Bonny Earl of Murray (a Scottish ballad) as being:
Thou hae slay the Earl of Murray
And Lady Mondegreen
As it turns out, the word mondegreen is actually a mondegreen, because Lady Mondegreen only existed in the mind of Sylvia Wright, for the actual lyrics say, “slay the Earl of Murray and laid him on the green.”

I grabbed the real cool badge and I am committing to writing 1,000 words every day this month.  I completed Linda Hill’s JusJoJan challenge in January and I just finished Bee Halton’s Love Is In The Blog challenge for February, so this will keep me busy for a month.  I think the purpose of this challenge is to get people to write, which I am doing anyway, but as far as I know, there are no rules except for trying to reach your goal every day.  Cage said that I should put my word count for each day at the end of my posts, or do a daily update for my Ninny count at the end of the day.  I should have no problem achieving this goal and while March is on, I will start writing some of my posts for the April A-Z challenge.

(337 words counting the title)

Honesty And Trust

Li at Tao Talk tagged me to play in a 3.2.1 Quote Me challenge started by Rory.  I have to Thank the Selector, which I will do, Post 2 quotes on Honesty & Trust and the Select 3 bloggers to take part in ‘3.2.1 Quote Me!’, which I won’t be doing.  Li said that she tagged me with an easy one and I agree, so thanks Li for taking it easy on me.

Young Abraham Lincoln got the name “Honest Abe” when he was working as a young store clerk in New Salem, Ill. According to one story, whenever he realized he had shortchanged a customer by a few pennies, he would close the shop and deliver the correct change-regardless of how far he had to walk.  Lincoln became a lawyer at a time when the popular belief was that all lawyers were dishonest.  By the time Lincoln was president, some of the statements that he had made previously, such as “I have never tried to conceal my opinions, nor tried to deceive anyone in reference to them,” and “I am glad of all the support I can get anywhere, if I can get it without practicing any deception to obtain it”, had become a source of strength for him as a leader.

Sticking with Lincoln, he once said, “The people when rightly and fully trusted will return the trust.”  Lincoln knew that people were his best source of information and he felt that he could trust the people, because they always knew what they wanted and what was best for them.  The Republican party is called the party of Lincoln, but with Trump in charge now, Honesty & Trust have completely disappeared.

Written for the 3.2.1 Quote Me challenge.

Some Other Time

I told my sister that my doctor wanted me to get a colonoscopy and she warned me not to do it, because her husband had one and he got an infection right after that and ended up losing a foot of his colon.  My sister told me to ask my doctor if I could just get the Cologuard kit in place of the procedure.  My brother-in-laws surgery scared me and when I had my doctor’s appointment, I told her why I didn’t get the procedure done that she wanted me to have.  She said that the Cologuard test is not as effective as the colonoscopy, because it can only detect blood in your stool and it would not be able examine for any abnormalities like irritated and swollen tissue, ulcers, polyps, and cancer, but she understood my apprehensions, and she reluctantly ordered the kit for me.

Great, I was not going to have to have that half inch diameter camera shoved all the way up inside my rectum and all I need to do is read the instructions.  The kit comes with a bracket that is placed between the toilet bowl and the seat cover and you lower the seat once the bracket is in place.  Next you open the sample container and place it inside of the bracket.  You pull your pants down, sit on the toilet and make a bowel movement directly into the container and then remove the sample container from the bracket.  At this time you can finish going, or wipe with toilet paper and discard the bracket.

The next step involves the use of a tube that comes with the kit.  Turn the white tube cap and unscrew it till it is open.  Remove the probe from the tube.  Scrape the surface of your stool sample with the probe until the end has stool on it and make sure the surface of your stool covers the grooves on the probe.  Place the probe back into the open end of the tube and turn the cap to close.  The next step involves soaking of the stool with special preservative so that the lab can test it.  Open the preservative bottle and pour all of the liquid in it over your stool.  Put the lid back on the collection container and make sure that you have pressed the lid tightly enough, where it won’t tighten any more.  Fill out all the shipping labels, place the tube sample and the collection container back in the box, pack it up and ship the sample to the lab

OK I had read all of the Cologuard instructions and I felt a bowel movement approaching, this was an emphatic need to poop and I was more than ready to unburden my bowels.  I unpacked my kit and had everything set up so I could make a deposit in the container and get this over with.  Cue the trumpets, “ba-ba-ba-ba-ba” let the big event begin.  I dropped my pants, sat on the toilet leaning forward with my hands resting on my thighs.  I began to breathe deeply from the bottom of my lungs with my mouth open to prevent any unnecessary straining as I wanted this to come out smoothly.  I began to relax my anal sphincter allowing it to open my bottom, by slowly massaging the area of skin between my anus and my testicles, which I like to call putting my backfield in motion, as this secret trick never fails when I want to let the stool out.  I knew another sure fire way to speed things along was to get into a squatting position, so I lifted my feet slightly off the floor.  I kept using my deep breath to increase the pressure in my abdomen trying to maintain a better control over this, as I wanted to push everything out towards my anus.  I was comfortable and it was going to happen, that is until I looked up and saw that creepy spider situated on top of the roll of toilet paper and I thought maybe I could try and do this at another time.

Tagged by Melanie.

My Tiny World

Today I decided to participate in Melanie B Cee’s Share Your Heartfelt World 2-11-19 challenge, but I am skipping the romantic questions.

QUESTIONS:

What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?

That depends, when it is football season, then my answer would be watching football.  Now that I am older and retired, I don’t get out that much, so my weekends are not that much different from my weekdays.  I enjoy writing every day, it is kind of like performing some sort of a civic duty for me.  It makes me feel good when I know that I have written something significant.

Who do you admire most in the world?

I admire water! Water is beautiful and peaceful.  How could anybody take a shower without water?  Even up in space when an astronaut wants to take a shower, they step into a stall and close the door and turn on the water.  They then get themselves wet and wash up just like on Earth, however, due to weightlessness, the water droplets and soap don’t flow downwards into a drain, they float about.  I enjoy drinking water, swimming in water at the beach or in a pool, not so much in a lake, unless it has a sandy bottom as I don’t enjoy getting mud on my feet.  How would you ever be able to wash your clothes or flush a toilet without water?

What do you regret not doing?

I wish that I would have learned how to play an instrument, or have taken singing more seriously and I regret that I am not a good dancer.

If you see a puddle on the ground, do you walk around it or over/in it?

When I was a kid, I might have splashed around in it and had fun, but when you get to my age getting messy is no longer fun, so I would try to walk around it or step over it.