MIL Gone Wild

“I was looking in your desk drawer for some photographs I thought might be there, but I was surprised to find… naked pictures of your mom in there and I am just wondering how you can explain this to me.”  My wife smiled at me and told me that I was not meant to see them and that she should have been more careful with those pictures.  My wife Donna said, “Remember when my mom got divorced and she said that my dad was tracking everything she did, so she asked if she could join our cell phone plan and we got her a new phone.  We happily agreed to help her because my dad was treating her so badly and I set up a new email account for her.  She didn’t have a laptop at that time, so I became the administrator of her account, and I gave her the username for her to use and her password, because she wasn’t very proficient at working with computers.  When she finally got her own laptop, I set her up as an administrator for her account also.”

I told my wife that I was happy that her mom got away from her dad and that she has email and her own cell phone, but that does not explain the naked pictures.  Donna said, “The other day I was cleaning out my email and I saw that below all of my messages and my folders, that my mom’s email was still listed, and I figured that I would check out her messages to see if they might need to be cleaned up also.  I opened up a few of her sent files that had attachments on them that she had sent to her new boyfriend.  I was staring at all kinds of nude pictures of her, where she looked pretty sexy, so I printed a few of them out, figuring that I should talk to her about this.  I needed the pictures so she wouldn’t lie to me about having taken them.”  I told Donna that she has to tell her mom that she should stop doing this, as who knows what will happen to these pictures if she breaks up with her new boyfriend.  I then said, “Your mom does look kind of sexy and I hope that you don’t think that I am weird for saying that.  Before you talk with your mom, we should probably check out her email to see if she sent any more pictures of herself to her boyfriend.”  My wife told me not to be such a pig and that I was going to be in the doghouse for making that comment.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #51.

Class Reunion

Truth be told, my heart wasn’t in it, and I declined the opportunity until I found at that… my doctor told me I would be dead in six months.  Knowing that my cancer would become a terminal illness after going through a whole series of tests was unsettling, but everyone has to die sometime.  I guess I could go for a second opinion, but I don’t think that I could handle it if the next doctor told me that I only had two weeks left to live, so I was resolved to make peace with it.  I thought about turning to God, but that made me feel like a hypocrite, as I was not seeking forgiveness, I just wanted to enjoy whatever time I had left.  I was told that my cancer had reached Stage 4 and it was incurable, because it had grown to be too big for treatment to work and this was my existential turning point.  I wasn’t ready to give up on life and go gently into the night, so I decided to end my chemotherapy treatment, as I was no longer optimistic that it was helping me.

I wanted to stay engaged in my life, so I changed my mind about attending my 50th class reunion.  I had lost touch with everyone when I moved out of my hometown 10 years after I graduated, but I thought it might be nice to see some old faces again, and I do mean old, as everyone would be in their upper 60s now.  I lost my hair from the chemo, so I didn’t look like a spring chicken anymore either.  Some of the kids in my High School were real dicks, and it would be nice to find out that they were dead, but there were others that I did like.  The event got postponed last year due to the Omicron variant, but now it was back on.  There were a few girls that I wouldn’t mind seeing again, so I contacted the class secretary and told her to reserve me a spot.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #50.

I Am a Fool

There was something about that song that always made me think of… Carol, the girl I was too shy to ask out.  We went to High School together and I flirted with her all the time, but we did not date.  Her sister was a cheerleader and my brother played football, so we were always standing on the sidelines watching and rooting for them.  I was sort of a class clown, and I knew how to make her laugh, but she had a side kick who was always with her and that always made it much more difficult for me to approach her.  Her friend was nice, but to me it seemed like she couldn’t take a hint, as I wanted to be with Carol and have her all to myself.  When you love someone, you want to spend every moment with them, but eventually I realized that she enjoyed her individuality and really didn’t care too much for my feelings.  I couldn’t get any alone time with her, so I knew that I had to settle for being put in the friend zone and nothing would ever come out of our relationship.  It is still painful when I hear this song, but thankfully it is not played that often these days.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #49.

No Urgency

When the taxi driver suddenly turned in the wrong direction, I asked him what he was doing.  He turned around, had a nasty grin on his face, and told me that he… had to make a detour and that he was shutting off the meter.  He said that he just got a text from his wife telling him to pick up their daughter from school, and it wasn’t that much out of the way, so he said that I could stay in the taxi, and he would take me to my destination after he got his daughter, or I could be dropped off anywhere along the way.  I was not in a big rush, so I told him that I would tag along, and I asked him if everything was OK with his daughter.  He said that he was sure that she was fine, but his wife has to work late today, so he will have to order a pizza for them to eat for dinner.

I told him that my name was Jerry and that I am considering moving into this neighborhood and I just had a meeting with a Real Estate agent who will be showing me several properties around this area tomorrow.  I told him that my company had just transferred me here and that my family was thinking about having pizza for dinner tonight also.  The taxi driver said that his name was Dan and he said that this is a very nice area to live in. if you can afford it.  I told Dan that I had an eight-year-old girl named Grace and that she was in Third Grade.  Dan said that his daughter Jenny was also eight and in Third Grade and then he pulled up to the school.  Dan said that in the aftermath of the Uvalde school shooting, that they have increased security around the school, but that we shouldn’t have to wait too long for his daughter to come out, as she should already be waiting right out front.  Dan beeped his horn at Jenny, and she got into the front seat with her father.  Dan said that we were only 5 minutes away from my destination, where I was staying at the Holiday Inn.

Jenny said that she went swimming in the pool at this hotel once and she remembered it being a whole lot of fun.  I told Jenny that my wife and daughter were probably out by the pool now and I asked her if she wanted to meet them.  I said that my daughter Grace was probably around the same size as she was ant that she probably had an extra bathing suit that she could wear, if she wanted to swim in the pool.  The girls hit it off right away and after they were done swimming, we called up for a pizza and Dan’s wife showed up and made friends with my wife and we all got along very well.  Dan and I made plans to go golfing next weekend.  It is really great when things work out.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #48.

Dogs Will Be Dogs

Steven was weary from constantly searching the horizon, and he thought maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him when he saw… his dog Biscuit was running toward him.  Biscuit had been gone for the last three days and Steven was happy that he was OK.  This happened before and it will probably happen again, as once Biscuit catches the scent of a nearby female in heat, that becomes his entire focus, he stops eating, aggressively marks his territory, and becomes increasingly obsessed over tracking down the female dog in heat throughout the duration of her cycle.  During a female dog’s heat cycle, things often get pretty darn crazy, as the male and female tend to stir each other up in a hormonal frenzy.  Male dogs can detect pheromones and hormones produced by a bitch in heat from over a mile away.

Biscuit is usually a very mild-mannered dog, but when he detects that scent, a sense of urgency overwhelms him and he will do just about anything to get to the potential girlfriend.  The last time he ran away it was very embarrassing, as he jumped up on a picnic table in the neighbor’s backyard and dove through a screen window to get at a poodle.  Steven felt ashamed that his dog broke the screen, and a lamp in the neighbor’s living room, but she was a really nice lady and Steven paid for all of the damage.  Dogs are different from people, as we choose a sexual partner for a long-term relationship, while dogs think with the primal mindset of instant gratification.  If a dog desires pleasure, especially a male dog, it will follow its natural instinct and pursue that pleasure.  The call of the wild increases his yearning to mate, but Biscuit really loves people and this shows when Steven leaves him alone while he goes to work, as when Steven gets back Biscuit always shows his affection.  I guess it is only natural for him to get lonely, but Steven decided that one dog was enough responsibility for him, as he couldn’t allocate and devote time to another.  Steven knew that if this running away continued, that he might have to consider neuter castration for Biscuit, as he loved him dearly, but he didn’t want any lawsuits because of this behavior.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #47.

Let It Rip

I was having dinner with a few of my closest friends when I suddenly realized that… I needed to let out some gas.  I started clenching my anus, and I tried shifting positions in my chair, hoping that the gas would reallocate and possibly go away, saving me from being embarrassed.  I did not know if it would be silent, and nobody around me would notice, but that was unlikely, as this was a confined space and the others that were sitting at the table with me were very likely to hear and smell it.  They were all close friends of mine, and I was pretty sure they would understand.  I figured that I could hold my nose and give the guy sitting across from me a dirty look, making others think that he was the culprit.  My dog just died, so I could no longer blame him for doing this.  If it turns out to be wet and messy, then I would have to man up and apologize for my indiscretion, as everyone would know that I was the one that did it.  Another way that I could handle this, would be to warn everyone in advance and let them know that there ain’t no stopping it and then just let it rip.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #46.

Seductive Boss

My boss called me into her office and silently handed me a piece of a paper instructing me to… come over to her house tonight, as her husband was going to be out of town on a 2-week business trip.  I wasn’t shocked, because I knew she was bored and that she felt neglected by her husband.  She saw me as an opportunity and knew that I wouldn’t say anything, because I wanted to keep my job.  We had an encounter in the elevator the other day at the office, when it unexpectedly stopped in between floors.  We both got in on the ground floor and when I pushed Floor #5, she smiled at me, and I recognized her as being my boss.  She remained calm when the elevator stopped, even though she seemed to be irritated by the delay.  She told me to take a deep breath and press the call button and that since someone is always monitoring the elevator, that they would probably be here to help us in a few minutes.  She told me that once she was stuck in here for a half hour and that there were seven other people in there with her and there was no air condition, and they were all sweating. She hoped that I wasn’t in need of a bathroom.  I told her that I was very good at holding it and I was sure that I would be good for at least an hour.

I told her that it was a bit scary not knowing what is going on and then I pulled out my phone to check my messages.  She said that it was getting a bit stuffy in here and then she opened up the top three buttons om her blouse.  She caught me looking at her cleavage and said, “Do you see anything that you like?”  I was nervous, so I looked away and then I dropped my phone.  I bent down to pick it up and she said, “Thanks for the view”, as she starred at my butt.  She said that she knew my name was Jason and that I was new to the advertising department and since we were both stuck in a confined space, that we might as well get acquainted.  I reached out my hand and said, “That sounds nice Mrs. Walker”.  She shook my hand and said that while we were in the elevator that I could call her Caroline.

Caroline told me that she thought I was kind of cute and she asked me if I worked out.  I told her that I enjoyed playing basketball, but I really didn’t do much exercise.  She said, “It must be nice to be young, as she has to go to the Gym 3 times a week to keep her body in shape.  I told her that seems to be working for her and that made her smile.  Caroline said that no matter what she does, her husband never takes notice.  She went on to say that the other day she told him that she would like to try role-playing in the bedroom, and he responded, “That’s disgusting.  What’s wrong with you?”  I thought she was giving me too much information, but I also felt that her husband must be crazy as Caroline is smoking hot.  She asked me if I was dating anyone, and I told her that I had just ended a relationship.

I knew that she shouldn’t be speaking to me about things that were not work related, but maybe her flirting was just a way for her to learn more about me.  I was not sure how to proceed, as I felt excited, exhilarated, afraid, and wary all at the same time.  I knew that it was only natural for workplace attractions to develop when people spend a lot of time together, but we just met, and I didn’t know what the boundaries would be.  Anyway, the elevator started moving again and Caroline buttoned her blouse back up.  I am going back to the present where she gave me the note telling me that she wanted me to come to her home while her husband was away.

Caroline told me that she knew her husband was cheating on her and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.  She said that I would be her escape and that most of her good friends had taken a lover.  I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but I told her that counseling might be a better option for her.  She admitted that she was thinking about getting therapy, and she was also considering a divorce.  Caroline told me that she set up a profile on Tinder, but she hasn’t had any action there yet and since she has problems trusting strangers, she figured that I was a good choice to start with.  She told me not to think of her as being my boss, but more like a friend with benefits.  I let her know that I was ready and willing to try the role play that she was interested in, and I asked her if there was anything that I could bring.  She asked me if I had a dog collar to wear, and if not, that she would get one for me.  Then she told me that she had everything that I would need.  I told her that she wouldn’t be getting me to wear a dog collar, unless she could make monkeys fly out of her ass.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #45.

Root of All Evil

I wandered aimlessly through the museum seeking any form of distraction to avoid… the mischievous Capuchin monkey.  This spunky monkey has made it his business to create chaos, wreak havoc and let slip the dogs of war with its general devastation that extinguishes all hope for a normal reality, while it exacerbates my suffering on a nightly basis.  Paul the apostle got it wrong saying that, “Money is the root of all evil”, as this expression should have said, “Monkeys are the root of all evil”, well at least this one is.  At one time the monkey was toilet trained, but it seems to have lost that ability, and now it throws its poop around and plays with its pee.  We have it wearing diapers now and I am glad that it isn’t my job to change them.  I told the owner of the museum that we needed to get rid of the hairball, but he thinks that monkeys are an integral part of the history of the organ grinder.  Most of the visitors to the organ grinder museum where I work, think this monkey is cute and adorable, and at first this furry creature was more or less harmless, but as he aged, this sweet baby grew up to be a wild animal.

He has become unpredictably aggressive and nothing is safe, as this curious creature likes to get into everything.  After he bit that child, we keep him confined in a glass cage where the public can see him, but the truth is that he doesn’t like it there.  It is like having a permanent toddler around, one who requires constant attention and care and he will never be truly domesticated.  The saying, “monkey around” means to goof around or cause harmless trouble, but this guy causes serious trouble.  Any time that you monkey around someone is probably going to get hurt and I am glad that we just have one monkey and not a whole barrel full of them.  The monkey is being deprived of social interaction as it needs to be with other monkeys and when it gets bored, it makes an awful pet.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #44.

The Dark Web

I was feeling particularly cynical when it came to… creating a space where I could have anonymity and do things without Big Brother looking over my shoulder.  I knew that this would develop onto a marketplace for criminal activity including porn, drugs and weapons sales, but I got tired of wearing a paper bag over my head and I also knew that other legitimate people would use it to conduct business anonymously without having to divulge information that could identify them, such as their user location.  It was just a matter of writing specific software, setting up special configurations, and giving authorization access to some people that already use the Internet, but would now be required to use my overlay network to access the dark web.  I realize that this has become a major problem for global law enforcement agencies, but hey, it is what it is.  Everyone was using the surface web, and some people liked to access the deep web, but I wanted more, so I came up with the dark web.

Anyone using search engines like Google is on the top layer, the surface web, and this is where you are right now.  The deep web is the middle layer, and it contains web pages which search engines can’t access because they are hidden, and it can only be accessed via passwords and authorization.  If you’ve logged into an online banking account and viewed your bank statement or accessed a secure online portal for healthcare or academic purposes, you’ve surfed the Deep Web.  Don’t be alarmed!  The deep web is often used for legitimate purposes.  Think of it as a way where certain information is kept away from public view.  If you have created a draft blog post, it is being stored on the deep web.

The dark web is a network of untraceable online activity and websites on the internet.  They cannot be found using search engines.  They are used by lots of different people to keep their web activity hidden.  I was part of the US government research team that was working on ways to allow spies to exchange information completely anonymously.  As part of this military research, I helped to develop the technology known as Tor (The Onion Router) in the mid-1990s and we released it into the public domain for everyone to use.  We wanted to make it harder for anyone to distinguish our government’s messages between spies, so we allowed thousands of other people to use the same system for lots of different things and with all the traffic, our spies could stay anonymous.  It’s called The Onion Router because it uses onion routing, a technique that makes websites anonymous through multiple layers of encryption.  Most websites are also hosted on the .onion domain.

I came up with the idea in a dream that I had one night, where I was up in my attic looking into a mirror and I could not see my reflection, because all of this energy was blasting back at me.  I followed the energy field downstairs out of my attic and it went into a field.  It came to the woods and there were several well-traveled paths there, but it did not take any of them.  It started making its way through the trees, away from the paths and that was when I knew I had it.  The idea hit me like a ton of bricks and I knew that if I could blast this energy out, that would prevent others from being able to look at me.  I was going to use the road less taken and this allowed me to see the whole forest and not just the trees.  I decided to choose a path that Google couldn’t find, bloody hell, it is almost impossible to find, unless you know what you’re looking for.  This would be like a treasure hunt, because the only way to find this obscure path in this vast forest is if you are told where to look.  I understood that it would be extremely difficult to stop people from accessing the dark web, but I reasoned that it isn’t inherently bad.  You should always be careful and if you see something suspicious, make sure that you report it.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #411 hosted by weejars aka Sarah where today she is using a photo by Pobble 365 and for Fandango’s Story Starter #43.

A Pink Carnation and a Pickup Truck

I would have happily married Darlene if it weren’t for her… pain in the ass toxic mother.  I love Darlene, but her mother will never think that I am good enough for her precious little angle.  Her mom is a controlling, judgmental, overbearing, meddling, self-centered, narcissistic, vindictive, spiteful, soul-sucking parasite that feeds on my misery and nothing that I could ever do would be good enough for her.  That woman has an opinion about everything and in her mind, she is always right, so nobody can ever argue with her about anything.  She would never admit being wrong, and she will never apologize for anything.  She has established her dominance over her daughter, and she expects Darlene to please her and be completely subservient, which I will never do.  She needs to prove to everyone that she is the one calling the shots, and I would never be anything more than a rotten son-in-law to her.  Darlene thinks that her mom is a sweet lady and that I am crazy for complaining about her, but I know that this two-faced bitch saves her toxic side for me.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #42.