A Screamer

I was on the checkout line at the Food Lion, when this girl behind me asked, ‘How are you going to pay for your groceries?’  I replied, ‘How is that any of your business?’  She said, ‘I was just wondering if you were going to pay cash, because I need cigarettes.  If you are paying with cash, then I will buy your groceries with my food card.  My food card will not allow me to purchase cigarettes, it only let’s me buy food, so I will let you keep an extra 5 dollars for helping me out.’  I said, ‘Isn’t that cheating?’  She said, ‘Technically it is, but everyone does it, so it is OK.’

She was kind of cute and she smiled at me, so I told her that I would go along with her plan.  She paid for my groceries with her food card and I reimbursed her the cost minus 5 bucks for me.  I thought this was better that clipping coupons.  I bagged up my groceries and waved goodbye to her and then I wheeled the carriage out to my car.  I was loading up my trunk when I saw her in the parking lot carrying a carton of cigarettes.  She asked me if I was going to the other side of town and I told her that I needed to put my groceries away.  She was very persistent, as she immediately asked me if I could give her a ride after I had put my groceries away.

I told her that I had nothing better to do and that I would give her a ride where she wanted to go.  She hopped in the passenger seat and I told her my name and then I asked her what her name was.  She said, ‘My name is Lindsay, but everyone calls me Lexi.’  I asked her if there was a story to go with that and she said, ‘Lexi is my stripper name.’  I was a bit shocked and I said, ‘Oh, you are a stripper, where do you work?’  Lexi said, ‘I used to work at Filly’s Gentlemen’s Club till two weeks ago, when I got fired for excessive grinding.  The manager warned all the dancers that we were not allowed to let the customers touch us and that we had to refrain from touching the men’s buttocks or genitals during our lap dances.  The bouncer was mad at me so he snitched on me.’

I told Lexi that I was sorry that she lost her job, because now I would not have the opportunity to see her dance, not that I really go to those places any way.  Lexi said, ‘When we get to your place, maybe I could do a dance for you and earn my 5 bucks back.’  I said, ‘Cool, five bucks sounds reasonable.’  Lexi helped me put away my groceries and then she stripped down to her bra and panties.  She asked me to put on some music and I said that I did not have a stereo, but I could put on VH1 or MTV if she needed music.  She was a good dancer and I handed her back the five dollars.

Lexi looked at my shorts and she said, ‘I think that I have gotten you excited, we should go into your bedroom.’  I told her that was a good idea and she helped me to take my clothes off.  I grabbed a condom and just like that we were going at it.  She started off moaning, ‘Yes, that is it, that is the spot, just like that, oh keep going’, and then she started getting louder.  I mean like really loud, she was screaming at the top of her lungs.  I got embarrassed as I knew that all of my neighbors could hear her screaming, so I pulled out.  Lexi said, ‘What are you doing?  Keep going, I was not done yet.’

I asked her, ‘Why are you screaming so loud, as all of my neighbors can hear us and I think that someone might call the police, because it sounds like you are being hurt.’  Lexi said, ‘Oh, screaming is my thing, it is what I do, and I have never had any complaints before.’  I said, ‘I guess there is a first time for everything as I can’t be in bed with a person that screams like a mad woman.’  Lexi said, ‘Well it is your loss.’  I told Lexi that screaming may be her thing, but it wrecked my concentration and it is definitely not my thing.  I told her to get dressed and I would take her where she wanted to go.  I drove her across town and she said that I could pull over up ahead and she would get out.  As she got out of my car, she spit in my face and I was so happy to get rid of her.  Later on I noticed that she had taken my sunglasses.

Written for Fandango’s Storytime — How We Met

Baby Heaven

Most people wonder what will happen to them after they die and I have no clue about this, but I can tell you all about what goes on before you are conceived.  There is a subtle region of the Universe called Baby Heaven where all souls reside before they are formed in the womb and there is not much going on in this place, except happiness and bliss.  I can still remember being up in this secret place called baby heaven with all of the other unconceived babies, patiently waiting for when my turn would arrive.  My body was still unformed and I was just a twinkle in my father’s eye.

I got word that I was to be the next one sent to Earth and it was time for me to make some selections.  I had to choose a skin color and a body type.  I needed to select a religion that my family would teach me to follow.  Finally I was asked about brains, but I was busy playing with my fidget spinner and I misheard what was said, as I thought I heard them say pains so I responded, ‘No thanks.’


This That and the Other Storytime prompt
Story about the night (or day) you were conceived