We Held Each Other Tight

I woke from a sound sleep up with a start, turned on my nightstand light, and… I saw her standing there.  I am guessing that she was about seventeen, smoking hot, but not yet fully mature.  She was the perfect age to fall in love, but I am old enough to be her grandfather.  She looked at me, but at my age and since I have had my heart broken more than a few times, I had to question why a woman so young and beautiful would show any interest in me.  I remembered her face and that I flirted with her on a dating site, but I had no idea how she tracked me down, or why she was in my bedroom.  My first thought was that this girl probably needs some professional counseling, as she clearly has unresolved daddy issues.  I know it was wrong for me to flirt with her, but when I came across her profile, I thought she seemed so vulnerable, and I figured that I could give her some guidance to help her to improve her confidence level.

When I saw her standing there, my heart went boom so I crossed the room and took her into my arms, and we held each other tight.  Our lips met and she asked if I was happy to see her.  I told her that I planned to enjoy every minute that we spent together, but that I was worried that she would probably kill me, however I couldn’t think of a better way to die.  She said that she wanted to enjoy my body, but that she was attracted to me for my maturity and wisdom, which was something that she just couldn’t get from guys that are her age.  I told her that society would never accept a 69-year-old man dating a 17-year-old woman, and she responded by saying, “In that case, let’s just have a casual affair”, and that was when I finally woke up and realized that I was still dreaming.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #58.

Inappropriate Behavior During a Massage

In the three days since Richard had received the subpoena to testify at the trial, he frantically … erased all of his text messages.  Richard’s good friend Deshaun asked him what he does when he wants to relax, so Richard told Deshaun that he usually schedules a massage which always does the trick for him, reducing his pain and muscle soreness and removing all of his tension and this increases his relaxation.  Deshaun made an appointment for a massage, but he was sexually frustrated at the time and when he was getting his rub down, he undraped himself and then he requested a happy ending from his massage therapist.  The lady giving him a massage told him that she didn’t want to see or touch his genitals, and that made him furious, and he started humping the massage table.  The massage stopped at this point and the therapist left the room.  They gave him back his money and told him to never return to their establishment again.  This was the first of 24 civil lawsuits accusing Deshaun of a pattern of coercive and lewd behavior, and he has since settled 23 of the cases against him.  One therapist refused to settle, claiming that he groped her boobs and that he belongs behind bars.

Some men have little to no respect for women and they look at all of them like they are nothing more than playthings for their amusement.  If these men are rich and powerful like the former president, they usually get away with this having their fixers settle the problems.  These misogynist chauvinist pigs see the constant need to always put women down and this makes them feel better about their miserable lives.  These toxic men only think about themselves because they have no empathy for others.  Deshaun is a rich man, and his lawyer offered this massage therapist that didn’t settle a nice package, which she refused because Deshaun crossed boundaries making him a criminal, so the trial is set for today.  Richard was being called in as a character witness against his friend as he told the therapist that his friend is always attracted to beautiful women, and he usually just starts kissing them without waiting to get their permission.  He told her that Deshaun loves to grab women and do anything that he wants to them.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #57.

An Odd Intruder

She had been watching her neighbor’s house for weeks, but she saw something today that made her… call the police.  She was hired to be a pet sitter for the lady’s cat and dog, and she was also required to water her plants.  When she arrived at the house today, she saw a naked would-be burglar flee through a sliding glass door at the rear of the home into the backyard.  The police told her that another similar incident was reported just the other day, where a victim came home to find a naked man in her bedroom, trying on her undergarments.  And just last week, a female victim woke up and discovered a suspect standing by her bed, naked wearing a condom and one of her bras.  The police captured this suspect, and they found some women’s underwear when they searched his place, and they saw pictures on his cell phone of him wearing women’s underwear.  The lady asked the officer what kind of people do this kind of stuff, and he told her that it is usually done for the thrill and that some people enjoy riding roller coasters naked.  The police officer said that there is clearly more than one pervert burglar in the area, and he asked the lady to make a list of all the items that were missing.

The lady told the police that since this was not her house, she could not be sure what the thief had taken, or if he had taken anything.  It was clear that the house had been ransacked and that the intruder was in the master bedroom, because all the dresser drawers were left open.  The officer asked her if she thought that she would be able to identify the perpetrator, but the lady said that all she saw was his naked ass and he was running out of the house.  She said that he was completely naked, no socks, no nothing, but she noticed that some of the homeowner’s intimate things had been moved around in the bedroom.  She figured that the man was probably about 5 feet 7 inches tall with a thin build, he had black hair, and she didn’t notice any tattoos.  The police asked her if there was any surveillance video inside the house, like a nanny cam or something that monitored the home.  She said that she didn’t think so, but she could call the owner to make sure.  The police thought that the burglar might live close by, because he couldn’t get too far running away naked.

The police officer said that last month they arrested a naked couple inside of a man’s home cooking in his kitchen.  The man was shocked when he came home from work, and once he realized what was going on, he quickly left his house, locked himself in his car, and proceeded to call 911 to report this strange burglary.  The couple said that the door was open, so they went inside, because they needed a shower and they decided to do their laundry.  While they were there, they got hungry.  They were charged with trespassing, property damage, gross misdemeanor burglary and theft, but they seemed like real nice people.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #56.

Steal Your Face Right Off Your Head

People trust me with their secrets, but if they really knew me…, they would realize that my number one occupation is stealing women from their men.  I am a complete dirt bag, but since most of the amazing girls are already in a relationship with someone else, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is game over, it just makes it more challenging for me.  I try not to rush into any relationship, so I start out by treating your girlfriend, as if she is a friend and this will keep her from thinking that I am clingy.  If I find out something that her boyfriend doesn’t want to do that she enjoys, I will take advantage of that by filling in the gap that her boyfriend has left open.  Getting her to decide to spend time with me is my goal and since most women are constantly upgrading to better boyfriends all the time, maybe I am not such a creep after all.  When a woman meets a man that seems to be of a higher status to her, or one that could bring more value to her life than her current guy, then she will move on and leave her old boyfriend behind, which may seem sad, but such is life.  If she is going to dump this guy, it might as well be for me.

I see it as when a girl is not wearing a ring on her finger, then she is not already taken and there is still a chance that she could fall for me.  If I think that the guy who she is with is not right for her, then I will start doing some research.  The details that I turn over will tell me if I can pull this off or not.  People have a tendency to trust me with their secrets, and I’m not sure why.  It could be something about my face, probably in my eyes, but they actively seek me out to confide in me.  I don’t feel like I’m under any obligation to keep any of their secrets, so I use them to my advantage.  After all I have free speech and I enjoy exercising my First Amendment rights, so no secret is safe with me, as I am anything but trustworthy.  My listening skills are good, which makes people want to talk with me and discuss their problems, but it should not be my fault if people misjudge me.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #55.

Scamming Tactic

If I told him once, I told him a thousand times that he’d be making a grave mistake if he were to… go to Nigeria to meet the princess that he met online.  He said that he is in love with her, and she told him that she needs a husband, so she can get her inheritance, so he is going there to marry her.  I told him that he can’t be in love with a person that he has never met before.  He told me that they chatted online for hours every day for the past three months, and a lot of that included Facetiming.  He said that he really got to know her by chatting, and he has connected with her in ways that he has never done before and this is real love for him.  I told him that she was running a scamming tactic on him, and she is probably preying on a lot of other gullible people.  If he goes to visit her, something unexpected will pop up and she won’t be available when he arrives in Nigeria.  It will be some stupid answer, but he will believe her because he has fallen in love with her.  Then she will ask him to send her money so she can come to him, and they can be happy together.  I said that this was just another twist on the 419 scams, where the con man tricks a victim into paying a certain amount of money under the promise of a future, larger payoff.  I told him that since he has seen this girl online that she is a real person, but she is being paid by a swindler and she probably is getting a percentage of the money that she pulls in by making guys fall in love with her.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #52.

MIL Gone Wild

“I was looking in your desk drawer for some photographs I thought might be there, but I was surprised to find… naked pictures of your mom in there and I am just wondering how you can explain this to me.”  My wife smiled at me and told me that I was not meant to see them and that she should have been more careful with those pictures.  My wife Donna said, “Remember when my mom got divorced and she said that my dad was tracking everything she did, so she asked if she could join our cell phone plan and we got her a new phone.  We happily agreed to help her because my dad was treating her so badly and I set up a new email account for her.  She didn’t have a laptop at that time, so I became the administrator of her account, and I gave her the username for her to use and her password, because she wasn’t very proficient at working with computers.  When she finally got her own laptop, I set her up as an administrator for her account also.”

I told my wife that I was happy that her mom got away from her dad and that she has email and her own cell phone, but that does not explain the naked pictures.  Donna said, “The other day I was cleaning out my email and I saw that below all of my messages and my folders, that my mom’s email was still listed, and I figured that I would check out her messages to see if they might need to be cleaned up also.  I opened up a few of her sent files that had attachments on them that she had sent to her new boyfriend.  I was staring at all kinds of nude pictures of her, where she looked pretty sexy, so I printed a few of them out, figuring that I should talk to her about this.  I needed the pictures so she wouldn’t lie to me about having taken them.”  I told Donna that she has to tell her mom that she should stop doing this, as who knows what will happen to these pictures if she breaks up with her new boyfriend.  I then said, “Your mom does look kind of sexy and I hope that you don’t think that I am weird for saying that.  Before you talk with your mom, we should probably check out her email to see if she sent any more pictures of herself to her boyfriend.”  My wife told me not to be such a pig and that I was going to be in the doghouse for making that comment.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #51.

Class Reunion

Truth be told, my heart wasn’t in it, and I declined the opportunity until I found at that… my doctor told me I would be dead in six months.  Knowing that my cancer would become a terminal illness after going through a whole series of tests was unsettling, but everyone has to die sometime.  I guess I could go for a second opinion, but I don’t think that I could handle it if the next doctor told me that I only had two weeks left to live, so I was resolved to make peace with it.  I thought about turning to God, but that made me feel like a hypocrite, as I was not seeking forgiveness, I just wanted to enjoy whatever time I had left.  I was told that my cancer had reached Stage 4 and it was incurable, because it had grown to be too big for treatment to work and this was my existential turning point.  I wasn’t ready to give up on life and go gently into the night, so I decided to end my chemotherapy treatment, as I was no longer optimistic that it was helping me.

I wanted to stay engaged in my life, so I changed my mind about attending my 50th class reunion.  I had lost touch with everyone when I moved out of my hometown 10 years after I graduated, but I thought it might be nice to see some old faces again, and I do mean old, as everyone would be in their upper 60s now.  I lost my hair from the chemo, so I didn’t look like a spring chicken anymore either.  Some of the kids in my High School were real dicks, and it would be nice to find out that they were dead, but there were others that I did like.  The event got postponed last year due to the Omicron variant, but now it was back on.  There were a few girls that I wouldn’t mind seeing again, so I contacted the class secretary and told her to reserve me a spot.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #50.

I Am a Fool

There was something about that song that always made me think of… Carol, the girl I was too shy to ask out.  We went to High School together and I flirted with her all the time, but we did not date.  Her sister was a cheerleader and my brother played football, so we were always standing on the sidelines watching and rooting for them.  I was sort of a class clown, and I knew how to make her laugh, but she had a side kick who was always with her and that always made it much more difficult for me to approach her.  Her friend was nice, but to me it seemed like she couldn’t take a hint, as I wanted to be with Carol and have her all to myself.  When you love someone, you want to spend every moment with them, but eventually I realized that she enjoyed her individuality and really didn’t care too much for my feelings.  I couldn’t get any alone time with her, so I knew that I had to settle for being put in the friend zone and nothing would ever come out of our relationship.  It is still painful when I hear this song, but thankfully it is not played that often these days.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #49.

No Urgency

When the taxi driver suddenly turned in the wrong direction, I asked him what he was doing.  He turned around, had a nasty grin on his face, and told me that he… had to make a detour and that he was shutting off the meter.  He said that he just got a text from his wife telling him to pick up their daughter from school, and it wasn’t that much out of the way, so he said that I could stay in the taxi, and he would take me to my destination after he got his daughter, or I could be dropped off anywhere along the way.  I was not in a big rush, so I told him that I would tag along, and I asked him if everything was OK with his daughter.  He said that he was sure that she was fine, but his wife has to work late today, so he will have to order a pizza for them to eat for dinner.

I told him that my name was Jerry and that I am considering moving into this neighborhood and I just had a meeting with a Real Estate agent who will be showing me several properties around this area tomorrow.  I told him that my company had just transferred me here and that my family was thinking about having pizza for dinner tonight also.  The taxi driver said that his name was Dan and he said that this is a very nice area to live in. if you can afford it.  I told Dan that I had an eight-year-old girl named Grace and that she was in Third Grade.  Dan said that his daughter Jenny was also eight and in Third Grade and then he pulled up to the school.  Dan said that in the aftermath of the Uvalde school shooting, that they have increased security around the school, but that we shouldn’t have to wait too long for his daughter to come out, as she should already be waiting right out front.  Dan beeped his horn at Jenny, and she got into the front seat with her father.  Dan said that we were only 5 minutes away from my destination, where I was staying at the Holiday Inn.

Jenny said that she went swimming in the pool at this hotel once and she remembered it being a whole lot of fun.  I told Jenny that my wife and daughter were probably out by the pool now and I asked her if she wanted to meet them.  I said that my daughter Grace was probably around the same size as she was ant that she probably had an extra bathing suit that she could wear, if she wanted to swim in the pool.  The girls hit it off right away and after they were done swimming, we called up for a pizza and Dan’s wife showed up and made friends with my wife and we all got along very well.  Dan and I made plans to go golfing next weekend.  It is really great when things work out.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #48.

Dogs Will Be Dogs

Steven was weary from constantly searching the horizon, and he thought maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him when he saw… his dog Biscuit was running toward him.  Biscuit had been gone for the last three days and Steven was happy that he was OK.  This happened before and it will probably happen again, as once Biscuit catches the scent of a nearby female in heat, that becomes his entire focus, he stops eating, aggressively marks his territory, and becomes increasingly obsessed over tracking down the female dog in heat throughout the duration of her cycle.  During a female dog’s heat cycle, things often get pretty darn crazy, as the male and female tend to stir each other up in a hormonal frenzy.  Male dogs can detect pheromones and hormones produced by a bitch in heat from over a mile away.

Biscuit is usually a very mild-mannered dog, but when he detects that scent, a sense of urgency overwhelms him and he will do just about anything to get to the potential girlfriend.  The last time he ran away it was very embarrassing, as he jumped up on a picnic table in the neighbor’s backyard and dove through a screen window to get at a poodle.  Steven felt ashamed that his dog broke the screen, and a lamp in the neighbor’s living room, but she was a really nice lady and Steven paid for all of the damage.  Dogs are different from people, as we choose a sexual partner for a long-term relationship, while dogs think with the primal mindset of instant gratification.  If a dog desires pleasure, especially a male dog, it will follow its natural instinct and pursue that pleasure.  The call of the wild increases his yearning to mate, but Biscuit really loves people and this shows when Steven leaves him alone while he goes to work, as when Steven gets back Biscuit always shows his affection.  I guess it is only natural for him to get lonely, but Steven decided that one dog was enough responsibility for him, as he couldn’t allocate and devote time to another.  Steven knew that if this running away continued, that he might have to consider neuter castration for Biscuit, as he loved him dearly, but he didn’t want any lawsuits because of this behavior.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #47.