It’s in the Hole!

Carl Spackler is a lifelong looper another term for a caddie, as loop refers to playing a round of golf at a golf club, where they have caddies to carry the member’s golf bags.  He carries the golf bags for amateur golfers who play the game for enjoyment and the challenges it presents.  Carl says that he once got the opportunity to be a looper at a course over in the Himalayas when he went to Tibet.  He passed himself off as a professional caddy and they let him carry the golf bag of the Dalai Lama, himself, the twelfth son of the Lama.  He was dressed in these flowing robes, and Carl gave him the driver on the first tee.  The Lama who was known to be a big hitter, hauls off and whacks one, a very long drive, that goes into a ten-thousand-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier.  After they finish the eighteenth hole, Carl gets this feeling that the Lama is gonna stiff him (not pay him his fair share), so he approaches the Lama and says, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.”  The Lama replies, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness”, and that satisfied Carl.

Carl is a story teller and he loves to talk like he is the sports color commentator giving comments on the play-by-play action and filling in with things that come off the top of his head.  Carl enjoys entertaining himself as he practices his golf swing by whacking the heads off of mums and making the pedals fly like confetti, of course when there are no golfers around to see his destruction.  He envisions himself working as a greenskeeper at Augusta, golf’s most-hallowed ground, where somehow, he made it into the big tournament for the green jacket.  He is this unknown who comes out of nowhere to lead the pack and Carl’s story starts off when he’s on his final hole.  He’s about 455 yards away on this par 4, and Carl is not exactly sure what club he selects, but the normally reserved Augusta crowd is standing on its feet, and going wild.  They are all cheering for this young Cinderella who’s come out of nowhere, and Carl is admiring his back swing.  His first shot only goes 105 yards, so he is still about 350 yards away, and then he hits one that flies 155 yards and he is still 195 yards out, but he seems to be pleased with his chances.  Carl states that the crowd is still on their feet as he demolishes another mum.  With tears in his eyes and the crowd being deadly silent, this former greenskeeper has a chance to become the Master’s champion, and he knocks his next shot into the hole for a birdie, as Carl blasts another mum to smithereens, he shouts, “it’s in the hole!”

It is obvious that Carl Spackler is full of shit, but he does work as a greenskeeper for the Bushwood Country Club, where the head greenskeeper wants him to kill all of the gophers, because they are digging up the grass.  Carl lives on the golf course grounds in a ramshackle place where he smokes a lot of sensimilla grass, which he likes to shotgun down.  His home is full of sod, which is used to fill in the holes made by the gophers and he is working on a new hybrid that is a mixture of Kentucky bluegrass, blended with featherbed bent and northern California sensimilla.  It is supposed to be this amazing stuff, that allows you to play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, then you can take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus on this stuff at night.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #393 hosted by weejars aka Sarah where today she is using a photo by Michael Mehrhoft.

All Downhill from Here

The hard part was getting up here and lugging my bike with me, as this was an extremely difficult climb.  Many people said that I wouldn’t have the guts to do this and I will prove all of them wrong.  What goes up must come down and I have been psyching myself up for this challenge since my older brother died last year when attempting this punishing obstacle course.  I just finished listening to the Queen song ‘We Are The Champions’ and I am going to keep fighting to the end, and as soon as the Donna Summer song ‘I Will Survive’ comes up on my playlist, it is over the edge for me.  I am visualizing how much speed I will pick up as I go into freefall and the slightest mistake on my part will spell my doom.  That is my cue, Donna is telling me that it is time to get moving and Tom Petty is coming up next.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #392 hosted by weejars aka Sarah where today she uses a photo by One Big Photo.

Bullied on Facebook

My dad moved us here in this deserted part of the planet after I came home crying the other day because some girls were calling me fat on Facebook.  He said that I needed to toughen up and get away from social media and since there is no electricity or satellite service here, this is where my family moved.  He is a writer working on his breakthrough novel and this peaceful atmosphere is just what he needs to help his concentration.  I miss not being able to log into my Facebook account like the other one billion people on this planet are able to do and I always felt that this enhanced my life, being able to connect with everyone else.  My dad noticed that the more time that I spent logged in on Facebook, the more my mood suffered and that I seemed to be filled with remorse.  Everyone else was posting happy photos of the vacations that they were on, where everyone was smiling with their friends.  They were at parties, on the beach, posing with their perfectly dressed children and I was envious of them, but I enjoyed scrolling through all of them.

I posted a picture of me in this new outfit that my mom bought for me and I thought that I looked real nice wearing it, but others thought differently.  I broke down in tears, because my reality received negative status updates, which did not fit in with the perfect reality that this clique of girls at my school resided in, and they all unfriended me.  My dad said that this was no big deal and he went into that whole stick and stones scenario, but I was devastated.  He told me that when he was in High school that they had real bullies back then who would put my Facebook bullies to shame, as these guys were so cruel that they even picked on the special needs kids.

He said that one day he went out to lunch at this pizza joint which was near the school and it was a hangout for the greaser crowd, (kids that wore black leather jackets and had greased back hair).  He sat at the counter and ordered a slice and a Coke.  Another kid with a horrible acne condition walked in and sat next to my dad and boy did this kid walk into the wrong place.  One of the greasers came up to him and told him to leave because his face was so disgusting that it was making all the girls queasy and they wanted him out of their place.  He actually said to this guy, “Your face looks like somebody set it on fire and beat it out with a chain”, which made everyone in the joint laugh and the kid ran away and never returned.  I had to admit to my dad that this was so much worse than what I went through.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #385 hosted by weejars aka Sarah where today she uses a photo by Marek Payton.

Turducken

We have the meat, well we have enough turkeys and chickens, but we still need a few ducks to make those tasty turduckens.  Nothing beats a three-bird roast and when you stuff a deboned chicken into a deboned duck, that is further stuffed into a deboned turkey, the result is sublime.  The gooducken is also very tasty, where a goose is stuffed with a duck, which is in turn stuffed with a chicken, but since a goose is a greasy bird just like the duck, this dish is not as popular.  This is an adventurous way of cooking your food and people compare it to those cute little Russian nesting dolls and this method is called engastration which can be done using either a capon, chicken, goose, partridge, pheasant, quail, squab or turkey.  Chefs have been playing around with these multiple bird recipes since the Middle Ages and it is about finding the right arrangement of meats and nothing seems to beat the turkey, chicken, duck combination, oh my!

Turkeys and chickens are able to fly, but they seldom get very far off of the ground, so that makes them relatively easy to catch.  It can be very difficult to catch a duck as they can fly and they also run very fast.  You will need a net and you probably have to trick them with food.  They seem to like salt and vinegar potato chips, so you can earn their trust by feeding them.  If they let you get close enough to grab them, you must be prepared for them to squirm, as ducks don’t enjoy being held.  They will try to nip at you or scratch you, so you may want to wear gloves or some type of protective clothing before you try handling them.  If you are lucky enough to get a hold of a duck, make sure that you place one of your hands in front of their chest to prevent them from moving forward and then place your other hand on their back, to keep them still.  Lesson over, now go on out there and catch us some ducks.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #384 hosted by weejars aka Sarah that uses a photo by Kyle Green.

The Oldest Question

The chicken crossed the road to lay an egg, because it was a free-range chicken, and it figured that the other side of the road would be as good a place as anywhere else.  If you give a free-range chicken a nice cozy little nesting box for their convenience, they won’t use it because they like to lay them in some random place that you won’t find for months.  The thing about chickens is that most of them don’t seem to remember where their eggs are, and once they lay them, they never go back looking for them.  Some chickens appear to be uncomfortable when they are laying their eggs, but once the egg is pushed through the hen’s vent by muscular contractions, they don’t seem to care if you take them, as their job is complete.  Actually, if you keep taking the eggs away from the hens, they will keep laying more, because humans have changed the way their bodies work over the years, with chickens being bred for egg laying making them produce egg after egg.  Birds lay eggs for the purpose of making more birds, not to feed us, but chickens are different from many other birds, because people have genetically altered them to serve our needs.

Laying eggs is an instinctive need for hens as they need to do this, and they are not doing it to hatch chicks, as they will leave their egg as soon as they have been laid.  You can take away all of their eggs without having to worry about hurting the hen’s feelings.  Chickens will lay one or sometimes more unfertilized or fertilized eggs a day until they have collected a clutch, which is usually is about a dozen eggs.  The hen will sit on them just as other birds do whether they are fertilized or not.  Most of the time hens will lay eggs right next to another egg, or they might move one egg out of the way so they can sit on the egg of their choice.  Some chickens will make a cackling noise going “buck-buck-buck-badaaack” to announce that they have just laid an egg.

If these eggs have been fertilized, then the hen will nest at various times and roll the eggs.  As time gets closer for her to start her set, she will spend more time on the nest controlling the growth rate of the embryos.  She does this by moving the eggs closer to her belly or farther away.  Realize that she has laid her clutch of eggs over a number of days, but her goal is to have all the chicks hatch within a twenty-four-hour period.  The first egg she laid may be twelve days older than the last egg she laid, but through careful manipulation of the eggs, she can speed up or slow down the rate of growth of the chick.  Most chickens that come across an egg with have a tendency to roll it this way and that way to keep the poultry in motion.  Like any good mother, the hen will constantly talk to her growing embryos and she may roll the eggs up to fifty times per day to exercise the embryo and prevent it from sticking in the shell.  When the hen sits on the eggs, she heats them to 100° F to 101° F.  She turns the eggs on a regular basis by using her beak to scoop under the egg and then rolls it toward her.  A hen might kick an egg out of the nest if they think it is bad, infertile, or it has a cracked shell, or she is uncomfortable sitting on it.  Some hens have been known to sit on unfertilized eggs for up to 7 weeks, before they give up on them not turning into chicks.  Embryos need considerable moisture to hatch properly and easily, so the hen will keep her eggs at the correct humidity by splashing water on them from her beak, and any moisture she transfers back to the nest on her feathers.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #383 hosted by weejars aka Sarah that uses a photo by Angela Kelly.

And My Bird Can Sing

I bought Twinkles because I loved her voice, and right away I knew that there was something special about this bird.  The owner of the Pet Shop told me that she was a rare cross breed between a canary and a puffin and she may be the only one of her kind.  I was looking for a canary and I didn’t know anything about a puffin bird, so I asked the guy if puffin birds puff up like blowfish.  He said that would be very cute if they were able to do that, but their name stems from them having a dense and puffy covering of down feathers when they are babies and this keeps them warm when their parents are out hunting fish.  He told me that he had been feeding this crossbreed tadpoles, which it seemed to enjoy and he said that he always kept a fresh supply on hand, because many of his customers that kept snakes and alligators think they make a tasty meal.

I bought some cat treats while I was at the Pet shop and the owner warned me not to try and separate my cat and bird, because creating space would only pique my cat’s curiosity and his predatory instincts.  He suggested that I should try to train my cat not to attack the bird, but my best bet would be to get a real sturdy cage.  It usually doesn’t end well when cats and birds live in the same house and birds will get hurt if cats become physical.  My wife loved Twinkles, but her cat actually tried to eat the bird while it was in its cage, however it was unsuccessful in trying to get the door open.  Sylvester the cat was always given plenty of food, so this was clearly a dominance thing on his part and he tried reaching his paw into the cage when the bird was sleeping, but when Twinkles woke up, she pecked him and we had to take Sylvester to the Vet.  Round one for the bird, but Sylvester kept trying as if he was making it his mission to get the bird.

Twinkles was happy in her cage because she was singing every day and she loved the tadpoles that I was feeding her, but her fear of the cat, caused her to have an out of body experience.  She created this smoky projection of her spirit using her third eye to frighten the cat off.  This mystical power provided her perception beyond ordinary sight and now she was the one who was dominating the cat.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #382 hosted by weejars aka Sarah that uses a photo by Pobble365.

Last Singing Bird

In Steinbeck’s Cannery Row, published 1945, Broke-down Palace was the name that some bums gave to a dilapidated warehouse, where they all resided.  Life is supposed to be about the journey, not the destination, I guess because your memories come from things that you do on the way.  ‘Brokedown Palace’ is a peaceful song by the Grateful Dead and it may be one of the most beautiful songs ever written, however it borders on being morbid and therefore you need to be mature in order to enjoy it.  I see it as a guy singing to his lover about his oncoming demise.  It starts off with a goodbye and then it states the birds that were singing have flown, except you alone.  The guy wants to leave this brokedown palace on his hands and knees, to roll.  He will make himself a bed by the waterside and roll.  In that bed, he will lay his head and listen to the river.  The river will make him sleepy like a lullaby that his Mama once sung.  He is going home to rest his bones, listen to the river sing sweet songs that he hopes will rock his soul.  He wants to plant a weeping willow on the bank of that river, hoping it will grow so that when lovers come and go by, they will enjoy it along with the river as it rolls.  He says goodbye again and that he loves her more than words can tell.

In this song somebody decides that they are going to leave this brokedown palace or perhaps it is a crappy house, to be by a river.  This someone may have led a long life, and they are getting ready to die and they want to say their last goodbye to the one person (the last singing bird) who has stayed with them the whole time.  He would like to be buried by the river, which would be a constant reminder of how life flows and a place where lovers would come and go.  He wants his loved one to come and see the willow that he planted so this can be a remembrance for her as she listens to the sound of the river which should gives him peace in the afterlife.

Fare you well, my honey
Fare you well my only true one
All the birds that were singing
Are flown, except you alone

Don’t want to leave this broke down palace
On my hands and my knees, I will roll, roll, roll
Make myself a bed by the waterside
In my time, in my time, I will roll, roll, roll

In a bed, in a bed, by the waterside
I will lay my head
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

River going to tame me, sing sweet and sleepy
Sing me sweet and sleepy all the way back home
It’s a far gone lullaby, sung many years ago
Mama, mama many worlds I’ve come since I first left home

Goin’ home, goin’ home
By the waterside I will lay my bones
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

Going to plant a weeping willow
By the bank’s green edge it will grow, grow, grow
Sing a lullaby beside the water
Lovers come and go, the river roll, roll, roll

Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Photo Challenge #381 hosted by weejars aka Sarah that uses a photo by Jonny Joo, One Big Photo.

Small Breasts Are Sexy

The interviewer said, “To be clear, what you’re saying is that you only photograph women who have small breasts, because you don’t want their breasts to take away from the focus of the story you are trying to tell in your pictures.”  The photographer responded, “All breast sizes are beautiful, but there is something special about a woman with a flat chest.  When they start growing up and puberty hits all their friends and every girl around them is developing breast buds, nickel-sized bumps under the nipple, while their boobs are nonexistent.  They realize that they are destined to be flat, and this recognition that they are different from others makes them hate their body image, just because their tits are so freaking small.  They think that something is wrong with them and they become angry feeling that none of the boys will like them.  They can’t go into the lingerie department at a store, because they don’t even fit into an A size cup and this makes them think that they are less of a woman, because they will never be desired.  Once flat chested women learn how to accept themselves knowing that breasts are essentially just a squishy ball of fat, they can focus on the angst that they have built up over the years and give me the poses that I am looking for.  I feel that less can be more and this special attitude is what I want in my models and also there are very few women with large breasts that look awesome when they don’t have a bra holding them together.”

The interviewer said, “I get it, you use women with smaller breast sizes because if their boobs are objectified, it will detract from the other things in your photos.  I guess that a woman with bigger breasts will never be enjoyed simply for being herself, where a flat chested model is liberated and comfortable with her whole body.   Personally, I believe that anything more-than-a-handful is unnecessary and I have also heard that flat women receive more arousal when their nipples are stimulated.”   The photographer responded, “We are all created perfectly and we look the way we do for a reason.  God created each of us to be unique, flawless in our own way, and it is our job to love the body that we are given.  I love my own small breasts, and I celebrate them proudly, but I don’t show them to the world.  The only comments that I have ever gotten from men about my boobs is that they love them and everyone that I have been with seemed to appreciate them.  Let’s face it, boobs are boobs and no one actually gives a shit about the size.”

The interviewer said, “Can you tell me what story you are trying to tell in this photograph with the girl in the shower.”  The photographer said, “She was grimy from the exercise that she just finished and she hopped into the shower to wash off her sweat.  Heather stayed under the shower longer than she had anticipated, enjoying the cool spray of the water against her skin.  She wondering why she found such intense pleasure in washing her body clean and then she heard a knock on the door.  She smiled as she saw her lover naked and she knew that was going to join her.  When he got into the shower, he touched her skin, which was glowing and fresh from her being fresh as a daisy.  It is not much of a story; it is a real-life situation that happened to me and I had the model reenact this scene.”

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #2 “To be clear, what you’re saying is that” and for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Nekneeraj’s Photo Challenge #374.

Moving On

Don’t you dare come any closer, I told my best friend Kathie, or I may puke on you.  I drank way too much and I am still miserable since Jason left me for another man.  I agreed to have a threesome with him, but I didn’t think that I would turn out to be the third wheel.  It all started out so innocently when we were sharing our fantasies and this particular scenario kept recurring for both of us.  I told Jason that I always thought it would be very sexy and extremely exciting if there was another man in bed with us.  I figured that he would say he wanted another woman to join us and I would have readily agreed to that, but instead Jason said that he thought his friend Shane would be able to satisfy both of our needs.  Wow, was that a shocker and then Jason went on to say that the exploration would help him to solidify who he is and let him understand exactly what he wants.

Jason stated that since more and more couples are starting to open up their boundaries and experiment with the male-female-male threesome, that he wanted to test his ability to share me with someone else and see if he could do it without any conflicts or aggression.  Jason said that he was willing to step outside of his comfort zone and test the waters and if there were times when he was not participating, that it would be like watching a live porn show for him.  Jason convinced me that he had a sincere desire to see that my sexual wishes were fulfilled, so I told him to contact his friend Shane and set everything up for a night of passion.  Jason said he would invite his friend over and he assured me that I wouldn’t have to do anything if I changed my mind when he arrived.  I struggled with trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was going to be the center of attention for two men that were going to have sex with me.  When the initial shock wore off, that was replaced by genuine arousal, as I contemplated the possibilities of having two men at my disposal.  Before the big day, Jason asked me what I was hoping for and I told him that I just wanted to have a good time.

When Shane arrived, we all sat on the couch and sipped some wine and when Jason started kissing me, I beckoned Shane to come and sit closer to us.  Shane smiled at both of us and he didn’t seem to need any further motivation as his hands were all over me, running up and down my body.  Four strong hands were soon tracing their way over my butt and breasts, making me feel warm inside, as I was being overcome with pleasure, and everyone was still fully dressed.  I knew that there was no backing down now and I ordered them to take me to the bed, whispering in a sexy tone.  I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I was more than ready to find out.  Shane and Jason, both helped me to get undressed, and I was amazed at the teamwork that they both showed being on the same page and I began to wonder if they had ever done this before.

The guys stripped and I grabbed both of them.  There was something powerful about being able to hold each guy in my hands at the same time and then I had two mouths, two pairs of hands all over my body, as these two horny sexy guys were focusing entirely on me.  I was surprised at how natural the whole experience felt and I kept my eyes wide open wondering what they were going to do to me next.  We got into this position and Jason apologized to Shane for some incidental touching that went on and Shane told him not to worry about it, as he rather enjoyed it.  Jason told Shane that he knew something like this might happen and that as long as Shane was OK with some brief genital-to-genital contact between them, that he was too.

I told both of them that if their touching each other excites them that they should go for it, as we are all here to please each other.  They were all over each other once I told them to go at it and I was no longer the center of attention.  They started having a good time with each other and I watched them enjoy themselves.  When the night ended and Shane left, I told Jason how much I enjoyed doing this and that I hoped we would do it again.  Jason smiled at me and he said that he was definitely going to do this again.

Jason became a lot less attached to his straightness as being his all-important defining characteristic after this night, and he even developed a more conscious awareness that he was heteroflexible.  Jason started canceling dates with me to be with Shane and he even went as far as saying that the sex we had together was boring.  I felt alone, abandoned, and hurt, as my life was turned upside down and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.  I was still crazy for him, but I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him anymore.  My situation was completely hopeless, as I knew that there was no way that I could compete with another man.  I should have known better, as Jason was always a huge George Michael fan and now, I am up here on this overpass looking for the courage to move on in my life.

Written for Fandango’s Story Starter #1 and for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Nekneeraj’s Photo Challenge #373.

Art Of Flirtation

Her book just made the New York Times Best Sellers List and everything was going well in her life now.  Carla Crane was a Romance Novelist who had her heart broken by many men, but she understood how sex motivated a person’s behavior and she put together the ultimate guide for how to flirt with others.  She worked as a dating consultant for Tinder and Bumble and she wrote several articles about which pickup lines worked and why they did.  Carla described how innocent flirting fun opens up a portal to make any relationship more intimate and satisfying.  She explained that flirting is the most important utensil in the dating tool box and that it was necessary for trying to get someone in bed for a one-night stand, and even how helpful it is for spicing up a long-term relationship.  Carla expressed the need for habitual flirting with your partner and at what point it crosses the line.

Carla described herself as a relationship expert and she frowned on people referring to her as being a Sexpert, as she never talked about positions, for her it was all about the chase.  She enjoyed the absolute exhilaration that people feel at the start of every new relationship and she described these burgeoning feelings as the honeymoon phase where everything sails along in a carefree and happy state with lots of laughs, intimacy, and fun dates.  Carla stated that flirting should be a positive experience of socially accepted sexual behavior that can alleviate stress while being fun and she even went as far as saying that it should be treated as a sport.  She said that flirting is the first step into exploring what a new relationship has in store for anyone, as without this component you will never be able to see how things will turn out for you.  There is no better way try to increase the intimacy of a relationship than with flirting.  She elaborated on how flirting is a positive method for increasing a person’s self-esteem and that it was an instrumental part of every business deal allowing one to get something from another person.

Carla was just dropped by a taxi in the parking lot for what was seemingly another late-night business meeting with her publisher, but she was much too smart to be fooled, as today was her birthday and she knew that all of her friends would be inside the train to surprise her.  She was appreciative and she was going to attempt to go along with it by feigning surprise, but she was not sure how well she would be able to pull that off.  When she entered the building, she was going to smile and say, “Wow guys, this is wonderful, thank you so much for thinking about me.  This is fabulous and I didn’t have an inkling about what was going on here.”

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Nekneeraj’s Photo Challenge #371 that uses a photo by George Natsioulis.