Redneck Spring Mud Twerking Jam

Spring arrived with mud and a torrent of bad news.  Dirt becomes muddy as the snow and ice melts, but this is the perfect time for the Redneck Spring Mud Twerking Jam.  This is a mammoth muddy outdoor dance that starts off with a wet t-shirt contest and everyone is standing around a big pile of mud.  It usually brings in a bunch of old hippies who dove into the Woodstock experience by sliding around naked in the mud for 3 days.  This Jam always has great music and it features dozens of people dancing naked in mud puddles and some half‐naked bodies coated with brown slime that are moving rhythmically to the music.  Professional twerker Jessica Vanessa will be there to give free lessons on how to shake your bootie, but the bad news is that you have to bring your own beer.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

You Dirty Rat

The rat ran and he chased.  He had constructed the better mousetrap which should also have worked for catching rats, but this little bugger has eluded capture so far.  He was eating dinner when he saw this troublesome rat, which seemed to be so much smarter than his other colleagues that had already met their doom.  He knew that this rat could run and it was also very good at hiding, but he swore that one day he was going to get the rodent.  He figured that the rat could be suffering from neophobia, a behavior disorder that caused it to resist anything that was new to it.  Animals with this condition will only ingest small quantities of new foodstuffs.  If no illness results from consumption of the new food, and assuming that the food is reasonably palatable, animals will increase their intake on subsequent exposures.

He thought that it might be a good idea to feed the rat and get the rat to trust him, but this idea also seemed crazy to him.  He knew that some rats could be very affectionate, because basically they are social creatures.  Rats love to hang out and they will chill out on the couch, or even on some peoples’ shoulders or in their laps.  They will even try to groom their human companions, as if these people were other rats, or members of their own rat pack.  He wondered if it would be possible for him to make the rat show him some love.  Once the rat let its guard down, he would have him, that is if he could prevent himself from falling in love with the rat.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

Where Did These Come From

It only takes a little bit of lace to ruin a marriage.  My wife was furious when she found these panties in our bed.  She held them up and said, “I am willing to listen to what you have to say about this, but it better be good.  I want to know if you are cheating on me, or if you have another explanation of how these mystery panties which are clearly not mine ended up in our bed.  I understand that every case of infidelity is different and it’s important not to judge without hearing someone’s story.  There are only three reasons why a girl might leave a lacy memento behind and either she couldn’t find them when she left, or she’s claiming you as hers, or she’s giving you a sexy souvenir to remind you of that hot night.  Tell me the real story.”

I replied, “Oops, I cheated.  I really didn’t really mean to, but the opportunity was there and I couldn’t resist, it sort of just happened.  I am sorry that you found that, but ever since the intimacy disappeared in our marriage and you lost interest in having sex, well I have needs, but I still love you.  I never meant to cause you any pain, but I am actually glad that you found out, as I felt terrible keeping things from you.  I made a conscious choice and there is nobody to blame but me, but it seemed like you were turned off to me and when the opportunity for me to be unfaithful arrived, I figured that since I was unsatisfied with the way our marriage was going, I was going to do it.  I hope that you are satisfied with my answer.”

My wife said, “Of course I am not satisfied, as you left out all of the details, and you never told me how the panties ended up in our bed.  I would like to know who the panties belong to, was it a one-time thing, or are you seeing this woman on a steady basis.  Why would you have sex with this woman in our bed, like couldn’t you go to a hotel, or do it at her place?  What would our neighbors think if they see you sneaking this woman into our house, when I am not home?  I understand that you have needs and that I have been ignoring them, but you must be more discrete about your affairs, as I don’t want to become a laughing stock.  You are free to do whatever you like with your mistresses, as I don’t need your loving and I lost that loving feeling a long time ago.  I still love you and I don’t mind giving you a kiss on the lips, as that makes me feel sexy, but that is as far as I want to go.  As far as I am concerned, adultery is not a deal breaker, so tell me everything that happened.”

I said, “It started out innocently enough with a woman named Cindy at work when we were assigned to work on the same project and those are her panties that you found.  She is married and she caught her husband wearing her panties one day at her house and since then she has been viewing him as a sissy.  They have been married for ten years and he wanted her to participate in his kinky fetishes, but she said that is not her style.  She broke down crying one night over dinner when we were on a road trip, telling me all about her problems.  I figured that it was only fair if I shared some personal details of our relationship with her and I told her how you have lost interest in having sex, not that the sex we had was ever that good in the first place.  I told her how you never liked me to see you naked and that you would only pull your panties off under the covers.  She thought that was weird and said that I was missing out on the best part of sex.  After a few drinks at dinner, I walked Cindy back to her hotel room and she invited me in, and I mean like she really invited me all the way in.  It is not a one-time thing as we have been doing it for several months and the sex is awesome.  On my last trip, I told Cindy that I left some papers at our house and said that I needed to get then for the meeting and she came inside with me and one thing le\ad to another and we ended up in bed.  I can’t explain why she left her panties behind, but if you like, I can call her and ask her.”

My wife said, “Yes please give her a call and ask her to come over for dinner and tell her to bring her panty wearing husband with her, as that is turning me on.”

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

Makes Sense To Me

People see what makes sense to them, reality notwithstanding.  The Rorschach test was developed after analyzing the artwork of mental patients, suggesting that the art they produced could be used to learn more about their personalities.  The original purpose of the test was to produce a profile of people suffering from mental disorders, like schizophrenia, based on the scoring.  The patient is given 10 symmetrical inkblots and they describe what they see.  I will take the test below so you can decide if I should be placed into a mental facility.

Figure 1 is clearly two polar bears ballet dancing.  They are very graceful holding hands with their snoots raised up in the air.  Their other arm is pointed behind them to keep their balance as they pirouette around a camp fire.  In Figure 2, I see a Chinese Pavilion style treehouse and I bet it would be fun to climb on that.  Figure 3 is a double ended rocking horse, but with bird heads being used instead of a horse.  You can sit on it either way and there is a stirrup to put your foot in.  In Figure 4, we are looking at the bow of a pirate ship with its sails billowing in the wind.  The scary part about this ship is those two front gun ports that are located just above the waterline where the cannons stick out, and they look like dripping eye balls.  Figure 5 shows two crane birds enjoying tea while wearing their too too outfits.

Figure 6 shows two birds who cam back to their nests holding prey which they will feed to their young hatchlings.  Figure 7 is a Philippine Island ceremonial mask that is used to ward off evil spirits, and I wish that guy would stop looking at me.  Figure 8 which should be skaters, is a screeching horse faced bat that is only found in Madagascar.  Figure 9 is the Lorax from Dr. Seuss and he looks like he is up to no good.  Figure 10 is me wearing my happy face.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

Where Did I Put It

Tamsin’s heart drummed frantically as she tore through her pack, her books, and the messy desk– where was it?!  Tamsin was all set for a weekend of love with her boyfriend who she hoped would someday become her fiancée, but in order for this to be absolutely perfect, she needed her contraceptive diaphragm.  Thomasina had her name shortened to Tamsin and that is what she preferred being called.  Her twin sister Teresina was already engaged and she has always been ahead of Tamsin in every endeavor.  Teresina got her period first and she had a boyfriend first and she lost her virginity first, but Tamsin knew that this was not a race where the first one wins, as it would be more about the happiest one winning.

Teresina went on the pill after she became sexually active, but the hormones contained in the pill had side effects, making her nauseous, her breasts became very tender and she experienced irregular bleeding.  Though not as effective as some other methods, the diaphragm decreases the risk of pregnancy significantly compared to using no form of contraception and this gave Teresina control over pregnancy prevention whenever she wanted it.  Teresina suggested that Tamsin should try this also, so she made a doctor’s appointment to get fitted for one.  The doctor showed her everything, how to insert it and how to care for it and the doctor said that he would be willing to help her practice putting it in properly, but Tamsin declined knowing that she could always get help from her twin.  Her doctor told her that she could always come back any time to make sure that she was inserting the diaphragm and using it correctly.

Teresina told Tamsin that it would work best if she got into a comfortable position, like when she was putting in a tampon.  She told Tamsin that she could stand with one foot propped up on a chair, sit on the edge of a chair, lie down, or squat, but she must find the position that works for her, one where her legs would be wide open and her knees were bent.  Teresina demonstrated how to spread spermicidal cream or jelly inside the dome of the diaphragm and around the rim before insertion.  Teresina knew how frustrating this could be, so she let her sister watch as she separated her labia with one hand and used her other hand to guide the diaphragm between the separated lips of her vulva, by pinching the rim of the diaphragm together folding it in half, making sure to keep the edges together and the cream or jelly inside.  She showed Tamsin how to push the diaphragm as far up and back into her vagina as it could go, by aiming it at her tailbone and making sure that the dome was pointing down.  Now the tricky part, because this could not be seen only felt, where she told Tamsin that she needed to use one finger to push the forward rim of the diaphragm toward her belly button tucking it up behind the bone that forms the front of her pelvis (pubic bone) and the back rim up behind her cervix, making sure that her cervix is covered, otherwise the dammed thing would not offer proper protection.

Tamsin practiced inserting and removing her diaphragm and she felt confident that she was able to place it in correctly and she was comfortable with it being inside of her.  Tamsin didn’t have a problem with touching her vagina and once the diaphragm was in, she would test that it was inserted properly by sliding her finger into her vagina again, to see if she could feel any part of her cervix.  Her boyfriend would be here in 10 minutes and she still had no clue where she might have left it, till it dawned on her that she left it inside of her.  She had just enough time to remove it, clean it off and go on her weekend of passion.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

The Landscaper

The rose bushes lay a siege with velveteen petals and curved thorns.  The artificial humanoid was at it again and since he was just here last month, I don’t think that there really is a need for him to be trimming everything so often.  I understand that he enjoys his work and I am not saying that he is not great at what he does, but yesterday he woke me up when he was using those hedge trimmers.  I know that there are over 500 houses in this home owner association and it is a lot of work trying to keep up with everything, but Fridays are the only days that I am able to sleep late and I guess I am just grumpy today.

I image that it would be quite a challenge to reach up and around all of the tall shrubbery and the way he was able to remove all of that mistletoe from the trees was a monumental event, but I think this guy is not happy unless he is trimming something.  I should let him cut my hair, as God knows I could surely use one.  He is not the brightest bulb on the tree, although I guess I would consider him to be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but the other day when he was trimming the apple trees and all those bees started chasing him around was really a sight to see.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

The Sidestepper

“Leave me alone,” she snapped, juking around around him on the sidewalk and hurrying away with a quick clack of heels.  She was a master at deception and she had played plenty of football with her brothers, so she was used to evading tacklers.  They called her the sidestepper, as once she had the ball, she was a master at the head and body fake, making everyone think that she would run one way, then she planted her foot and went in the opposite direction.  She practiced the “Stutter Step” or “Shake and Bake” move in her dance classes and she learned to incorporate several spinning moves and jumps in her routine, that would freeze spectators, who were in awe of her stunning moves.

Stephanie had four brothers and she was the only girl in the family, but that never stopped her from competing with the boys.  Her brothers enjoyed playing the Madden NFL game and she always wanted to join in.  Stephanie became proficient at it in no time and she would unleash these flying insane juke moves that always caught her brothers off guard.  Stephanie’s mom taught her that girls are supposed to deceive and that is how they can have power over men.  Stephanie learned how to tell sweet little lies from the instant she learned how to talk, and she perfected them, so she could get the things that she desired.  She practiced several sneaky tricks and some of them may have been a little unfair, but they always got the best of any man, and it certainly didn’t hurt that she was beautiful.  She learned the art of keeping a man in orbit, flirting just enough to keep his hopes alive that something might develop possibly sex, or maybe a relationship and this was all fun and games to her.  Stephanie enjoyed playing with a man’s feelings and making him jump in one direction or the other, while watching him go from being mildly interested to having a heart throbbing crush on her.  Stephanie saw men as being insignificant, they were her toys and she was the master of the game.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

City of Love

Gigi assembled her planners, her calendars, her pens, pouches, and post-its before her on the desk and stood over them like a general surveying maps.  Gigi was going back to Paris for the first time since her marriage to Gaston failed.  Gaston didn’t know how good he had it, being lucky enough to be the man that she chose to marry, and he reverted back to his old ways of making love to one woman after the next.   Gigi became a world class ballerina and Gaston flirted with all of the other dancers, telling Gigi that he was just being friendly, but she caught her understudy and Gaston in a compromising situation backstage.  Gigi always thought that her understudy Titania was a total sleaze bag, especially after she answered that dance audition which read, “Dance background a plus, and nudity and sexual situations a must.”  Gigi exclaimed, “Thank God for good divorce attorneys.”

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

What Went Wrong

“What, were you expecting a cauldron?”  Ophelia was mad at the evil eye she was given and she did not appreciate this insinuation, so she snapped back with this sarcastic line when the man that was traveling down the same road that she was on, gave her a sideways glance showing his displeasure for her choice of clothing.  Being a witch was a crime that was punishable by death and some of her best friends were recently burned at the stake for this.  She lived an unconventional lifestyle, she had a black cat, but it was just a pet, not a familiar that was given to her by the devil.  She did not cast any spells that would cause illness, death or disaster of any kind, and she would never think of punishing her enemies by giving them nightmares, making their crops fail, or deliberately sickening their animals.  Ophelia was a recluse who enjoyed living a solitary life in isolation from the world and she tended to avoid other people at all cost.

Ophelia enjoyed dressing in her black robe-like dress and wearing her pork pie hat with the wide brim.  She had fair skin and the wide brim protected her from the Sun’s rays.  This was her walking outfit and back at home she had a black lace robe, a satin black robe, and a black Kimono dressing gown, along with an assortment of black undergarments, which she considered essential, so she could always coordinate her bra with her panties.  Having a nice selection of sexy lingerie allowed her to be feminine and this made her feel desirable.  Going with the same color every day made life much easier for Ophelia, as she didn’t have to put a whole lot of thought into what she was going to wear, unless she was dressing for some special occasion.  She felt that the color black contained magical properties, as it always made her feel slimmer.

Her mother had always told her that even if people can’t see the color of her underwear, that it was important to choose to wear the right color, as that would have an effect on her mood and energy, even if no one was able to see them.  She knew that every color vibrated at a different frequency, going through her skin, over her whole body and into her brain and black allowed her to show strength and it also provided a great contrast for her pale skin.  She was aware that her black garments held in more heat, so she always made sure to get plenty of ventilation when she got back home.  She knew that if she could put on some nice underwear, that she would be able to keep the attention of any man.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.

Tumbling Dice

The dice tumbled and the table leaned forward with held breath.  The chair shouted “Doubles”, and the ceiling fan was filled with excitement.  All six dots on dice called out with glee, as if they just had their first child and named it pips.  The leather dice cup was shaking for joy, as the white checkers scoffed at the red checkers and advanced to new spaces.  The checkers moved into attack position knowing that they had enough ammunition to defeat the enemy.  The lamp flickered with delight glowing at the brilliant move.  The water bed sprang a leak as it was overcome with laughter.  The checkers were drenched and it was everyone for themselves, as the dice cup kept bailing out the water and the cow jumped over the moon.

Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie First Line Friday hosted by Dylan.