History Rewritten

1.Why did all the dinosaurs die?
They chocked on fossil fuels.

2. Why are there so many stories about the great flood?
Because God got angry that the people weren’t taking enough baths.

3. What happened at Hadrian’s wall?
Nothing until Humpty Dumpty showed up there.

4. How long was the hundred years war?
That all depends on when you think it started and ended.

5. Why was it all quiet on the western front?
The soldiers were holding a farting contest and they didn’t want any other noises to disrupt it.

6. What was the Boxer Rebellion all about?
This was when all the men started wearing brief underwear.

7. What caused the Titanic to sink?
It made a left turn when it should have gone right.

8. Why do they want us to remember the Main?
That was said because it is part of manifest destiny that was written in the Monroe Doctrine.

9. What happened to Amelia Earhart?
She met a watery grave.

10. Who was involved in the Iran Contra scandal?
I think it was Nixon.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Windshield Wipers Slapping Time

1.What is a bandana?
In the Janis Joplin song ‘Me And Bobby McGee’ a bandana was to hold the harmonica.  “I pulled my harpoon out of my dirty red bandanna, I was playing soft while Bobby sang the blues.”

2. What is a rum baba?
This is what happens to Kate Bush when she drinks rum.

3. What is a marinade?
Jeffrey Dahmer would season the people he killed before he ate them.  He used salt, pepper, and A1 steak sauce as a marinade.

4. What is an asset?
These are pants that have water cushions for your butt and sometimes they are called liquid assets.

5. Who was Apollo?
He fought Rocky Balboa.

6. What is meant by BYOB?
We are all going to hell but you must “Bring Your Own Bucket”.

7. What is a pekingese?
The pecking geese are also called Canada Geese.

8. What is a crockpot?
This is the result of menstrual cramps.

9. What is meant by upbeat?
This is how cave men selected their wives.

10. What does it mean to recycle?
This is when you marry again after getting divorced.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Anatomy Class

1.What is carpal tunnel?
I heard this comes from masturbating too much, but I really wouldn’t know.

2. What is tennis elbow?
I hate to say this, but tennis elbow is also caused by jerking off too much.

3. What is a pulled muscle?
I have already answered this twice.

4. What is tinnitus?
I wasn’t sure about this, so I called the tinnitus hotline to find out, but it just kept on ringing.

5. What are crows feet?
My wife looked in that mirror and she was dejected saying, “My forehead is wrinkly, my nose and ears are giant, my lips are deflated, and my crow’s feet get larger every day! My collar bones are undefined, and my arms are flappy. My behind and my breasts are saggy, hanging down so far that they are almost touching the ground!  Honey can you please tell me something to make me feel better about myself.”  I replied, “Your eyesight is great!”

6. What are hammer toes?
This happens when Thor drops his hammer on your toes.

7. What is pink eye?
This is what you get when you cross a red eye and a white eye.

8. What is vertigo?
I think the bandleader Dizzy Gillespie suffered from this.

9. What are cataracts?
After my cataract surgery, I asked my doctor if I would be able to play the piano. She told me that I looked fine and that it should be no problem. I was amazed, because I’ve never played the piano before!

10. What is swimmer’s ear?
Can you please repeat that, I am not sure I heard the question correctly?

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Really Sick Words

1. What is a broom?
This is a person that is still hiding in the closet.

2. What is a doughnut?
This is a slang term for vagina.

3. What is a penny farthing?
This is how HG Wells made his journey to the center of the earth.

4. What is a blanket?
This is a cover band that has no original songs.

5. What is a socket?
This guy lost his eye in a fight, and the doctors placed a wooden eye in his socket.  He sees a girl with a wooden leg, so he asks her if she would like to dance.  She gets all excited and she says, “Would I, would I!” and the guy responds, “Peg leg, peg leg.”

6. What is tapestry?
This is what happens to your underwear when you don’t change it.

7. What is e-mail?
That is hard to explain, but I know that Forrest Gump’s e-mail was 1forrest1.

8. What is a shower?
Cleopatra was known to bathe in milk, because she couldn’t find a cow tall enough to have a shower.

9. What is a sandbag?
These are breasts that look nice in a bra or swimsuit.

10. What is chocolate?
Q) What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A) A Kitty Kat bar.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Fun Words

1.What are you if you are Mabsoot?
Part of Israel Intelligence

2. What does it mean to nidificate?
You are having sex with a goat

3. What is a pabouch?
A person who worships cows

4. What is quab?
That is a long dark tunnel which leads to nowhere

5. What is tacenda?
This is the last note played in an opera

6. What does it mean to be ulotrichous?
This means you see unicorns in your dreams

7. What is waftage?
This happens when you keep eating Mexican food

8. What does it mean to yaff?
This is wearing the same clothes every day because you don’t have time to do laundry

9. What is to yuke?
This is talking on your phone while sitting on the toilet

10. What is zabaglione?
This is when a lion parties too much and the next say it is half in the bag

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

What a Wonderful Phrase

1.What is an abbozzo?
This is the guy you meet in the gym that is never wearing a shirt so he can show off by flexing his abbs.  At first, he seems like a nice enough guy that is until you start talking with him and then you realize that he is a complete bozo.

2. What does it mean to absquatulate?
This is when couples abstain from having sex during the weekdays.

3. What is a biggin?
I caught a fish the other day that was a real biggin.

4. What is a daedalist?
This is a list containing data of the celebrities that just died.

5. What is gamophobia?
This refers to a person that suffers from a compulsive gambling disorder and he wants to bet on every game.

6. What is a holm?
The two of us riding nowhere on our way back holm.

7. What is jettatura?
This is when you have an accident while you are jet skiing and you end up having you jaw wired shut, so you have to go on the atura diet which involves consuming only liquids.

8. What is a keffel?
This relates to Trump making up his own words again.

9. What is meant by labtebricole?
This is a side effect of having a lobotomy.

10. What is a lacuna?
This word comes from the Disney film The Lion King.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Food Fibs

1.Garlic is said to ward off [What] ?
Constipation

2. Man does not live by [What] alone?
Sex alone, but sometimes you have to love the one you are with.

3. Fish isn’t everyone’s favorite, because ..?
The fishing industries are ruining the oceans.

4. Eat more green and you’ll be lean and ?
You will be tickled pink on the inside.

5. Over imbibing may invoke the hair of the [what] the next day?
Frog’s backside.

6. Revenge is a dish best served ?
While watching The Wrath of Khan or Kill Bill: Volume 1.

7. Little Jack Horner stuck his thumb in a Christmas pie and pulled out?
A Mega Millions lottery ticket.

8. Raw fish is a delicacy when prepared as [What]?
Dinner for someone who is pregnant.

9. An apple a day does what?
Keeps your breath from smelling like garlic.

10. Ice cream is best on a ?
Day that has sprinkles.

Written for Melanie’s Fibbing Friday.

An Odd Duck

1. What do Donald and Daffy have in common?
They both like girls wearing Daisy Dukes.

2. Drake is to Hen as Cob is to ………………. ?
Corn

3. How many eggs can a peacock lay?
Enough to make a beautiful tail.

4. If you’re out for a duck, what’s happened?
You farted.

5. What is the collective noun for a group of ducks?
Quackers

6. What is the fastest duck (can reach speeds of up to 80mph apparently)
Any duck when it is called to dinner, but the hard part is getting them lined up in a row.

7. Why do ducks drink water through a tube in their bill?
Because they get thirsty.

8. What is the largest breed of duck?
The duck billed dinosaur.

9. Why do ducks have three eyelids?
That third eyelid is used when they swim under water.

10. Why do we say ‘like a duck out of water?’
This is when the duck soup is ready to be served.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Underlines

To sleep like a koala would be a wonderful thing

Sleep is the best when not interrupted by trips to the bathroom

Let sleeping bears lie and don’t poke them

I’m going to go for a roll in the hay

Sleep like the dead on my new mattress

Go to sleep with the farmer’s daughter, but we may not get that much sleep

Catch some sheep in my sleep

Wouldn’t lose a moment’s rest over it, as the older I get the more I want to sleep

Burn the bridge at both ends is a mixture of a metaphor and a malapropism

Sleep with one window open to increase the airflow in my room

Written for Melanie’s Fibbing Friday.

Mish Mash

1.What is liquid gold?
Patron tequila.

2. What is housemaid’s knee?
A disease that exists in domestic servants that live in London, probably because of the damp weather.

3. Why is the Eiffel Tower so named?
The guy that designed this tower lost an eye when it just fell out, so he commemorated his lost eye by naming the tower Eyefell and somehow the spelling changed to Eiffel.

4. Can elephants swim?
They seem to do fine in Tarzan movies, although Johnny Weissmuller was always a much better swimmer.  The elephant is the only mammal that is not able to jump.

5. What is a pot hole?
That is the end of my pipe where I put the marijuana into.

6. What is a woolly pulley?
That is a song by Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs.

7. What is a tap washer?
I put a tap washer on Farrah Fawcett and I tapped that all night long.

8. Why do we have warts on our fingers but corns on our toes?
I think it is supposed to be rings on your fingers and bells on your toes.

9. What is a pendulum?
This is another term for a swinger.

10. Where will you find a pupil and iris?

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.