Dinosaur Week

1.    Spinosaurus
Dinosaur breed where Barney from the American TV series comes from.

2.   Nigersaurus
Dinosaur breed where Dino of the Flintstones comes from.

3.   Brachiosaurus
An extinct species that had Bronchitis and a sore ass.

4.   Ichthyosaur
A dinosaur that throws up its dinner.

5.   Allosaurus
A very friendly dinosaur that was always saying hello.

6.   Diplodocus
The first dinosaur to do the dab.

7.   Parasaurolophus
A dinosaur with giant ears that could catch a breeze and go parasailing, similar to Dumbo.

8.   Deinonychus
The one who escaped from Jurassic Park.

9.   Troodon
The first dinosaur to cross the road.

10. Elasmosaurus
This is the giant lizard that tried to beat King Kong.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Just Guessing

1.  Novalunosis
Fear of a new moon.

2.  Wundervei
Habitual wearing of a Wonder Bra.

3.  Eramnesia
Butting heads with sheep.

4.  Witnessoja
Saying something when you see something.

5.  Sundreesorro
Mexican holiday that celebrates Pancho Villa.

6.  Livilence
Californian holiday that celebrates Liberace.

7.  Seatherny
Having the attention span of a gold fish.

8.  Drizzlosis
Idiosyncrasy where you require hot fudge to be served on every desert.

9.  Zirgwè
Another name for the third eye.

10. Teresaurum
Another name of the comet that killed the last dinosaur.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

A Person Who Practices

1. Philatelist
This person is an expert at fellatio.

2. Botanist
This person collects buttons.

3. Naturalist
Same as a Nudist.

4. Taxidermist
This person analyzes your tattoos to determine how much tax you owe.

5. Anthropologist
Phil and Anthony were brothers and only one of them could be a philanthropist.

6. Scientist

7. Strategist
This person plays a Stradivarius instrument.

8. Protagonist
This is either the bad guy or the good guy, but I always get confused.

9. Pharmacist
This person lives on a farm.

10. Biologist.
This is a person that enjoys listening to Beck’s Bolero.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

The Old Soft Shoe

Why did Don Mclean drive his Chevy to the levy?
Don had a coupon for a half price car wash that he wanted to take advantage of before it expired.

Who will stop the rain?
A Native American Indian tribe.

Where does the love go?
Down the tubes.

Who shot the deputy?
A stoned out Rastafarian.

Why was nobody getting fat except Mama Cass?
That is because she had more talent than the others.

How did the blackbird break its wings?
The window was so clean, the bird didn’t see it and flew right into it.

What did the Traveling Wilburys find at the end of the line?
A lame duck.

What instrument did Mr. Bojangles play?
Mr. Bojangles played the old soft shoe, and you don’t see much of that anymore.

Who lived on Desolation Row?
A couple of wharf rats.

Why couldn’t the Rolling Stones get any satisfaction?
Because the Beatles sucked all the oxygen out of the room.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Brits You Have to Love Them

1.  What would you do if you found yourself seated next to a disgraced member of the family?
I would tell them that somebody has to be the black sheep.

2.  How would you react if you were subjected to ‘Hatgate’? That is someone with a monstrous hat being seated in front of you.
I would spill my beer on them.

3.  Photographs are not allowed, but you have a plan to take pictures………. what is it?
A wardrobe malfunction.

4.  The person on your left has fallen asleep. How would you wake them discreetly?
I have learned to let sleeping dogs lie.

5.  The grand entrance occurs and something is not quite right from your point of view. What is it?
My fly is down.

6.  After the service, it’s time for the buffet. Not quite sure where you’ re supposed to go, what do you do?
I ask where the food is.

7.  Making small talk over the canapés is awkward. What do you do to make it less so?
I tell everyone that I am enjoying the horse divers.

8.  Time for the Speeches and they seem to go on for hours. What do you do to keep awake?
I do jumping jacks to keep awake.

9.  You are suddenly asked to say a few words at the podium. How do you react?
I would say, “In conclusion, thanks for inviting me here.”

10.  It has been a tiring experience and you catch 40 winks in a quiet corner. When you wake up, the venue is in darkness. What do you do?
I watch the royal coronation, because it is everywhere.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Physics Went Right Through Me

What came before the big bang?
The great shrink happened before the big bang.

What did Galileo drop off the tower of Pisa?
Water balloons.

Is a Cartesian bear similar to a polar bear?
Yes, but one works with a right triangle and the other you have to use a left triangle.

What did Newton say when the apple landed on his head?
Son of a bitch.

Why did Columbus think the world was round?
Columbus was looking for a map and someone sold him a globe.

What was Heisenberg uncertain about?
Heisenberg had dementia and he was never sure where he was.

What was the name of Schrödinger’s cat?
Fritz.

When a photo finish decides the winner of a race, did they change the outcome by measuring it?
Only if you shine some light on it.

What is the God particle used for?
The God particle is used for collecting money to carry out religious wars.

Is the theory of everything all you need to know?
Who could ask for anything more?

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Alternative Artists

1. Stop in the name of Love
Bright Reds

2. You can call me Al
“Weird Al” Yankovic

3. Til you come back to me
Waiting Patiently

4. I just wanna dance with somebody
Two Left Feet

5. Won’t somebody dance with me
All Play and No Work

6. Two out of three ain’t bad
Average White Band

7. Ghostriders in the sky
Creeping It Real

8. Ticket to Ride
New Riders of the Purple Sage

9. Totally devoted to you
Eye Love U

10. Me and You and a Dog named Boo
Bone to be Wild

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

I Went There

1.  What is clematis?
That is a mythical female sex organ.

2.  What is meant by linear?
Linear is a Zero Polynomial, where quadratic is a Monomial, the cubic is a Binomial and the quartic is a Trinomial.    I am glad that I straightened that out for everyone.

3.  What is a gonk?
Rob Gronkowski.

4.  What is a sirloin?
The last part of the cow to jump over the moon.

5.  What is pumpernickel?
Since I just have a rye sense of humor, this topic makes me feel a little sour doh.

6.  What is canasta?
It is a rummy-like game that is played in Canada.

7.  What is a Duchess Cake?
Duchess Kate is now the Duchess of Cambridge.

8.  What is density?
Density is related to how many sheep you can count before you fall asleep.

9.  Where will you find Agnes, Margo and Edith?
You have to watch the Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

10. What is a spatula?

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Authored By

1. The Mystery
Unknown

2. Dances with The Wolverine
Felicity Foote

3. Who killed Roland Rabbit
The Easter bunny

4. The Taming of the Crew
Vince Lombardi

5. Far from the Maddening Crowd
The pope of Greenwich Village

6. The Golden Crown
King Arthur

7. Up, Up and Away
Led Zeppelin

8. Bottoms Up
Ernest Hemingway

9. For Whom the Bell Tinkles
I. P. Daily

10. A Dog’s Day.
Al Pacino

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

California Sunshine

What did the quick brown fox leap over?
A frog, of course.

What were the Window Cleaner’s confessions?
He was the one throwing stones at the glass houses.

What was The Mad Hatter’s true occupation?
Wedding planner.

Why did Cinderella lose her glass slipper?
Because she was trying to get rid of O.J. Simpson’s gloves.

Why do people in old TV shows and movies spend so much time sitting on their front porch?
This was before air freshener was invented and their houses smelled.

What happened to the three little pigs?
Ine became a banker, another was a lawyer, and the last pig was a politician and he is still in office.

What is Air Force One?

Who brings the Easter Eggs?
Rubber duckies.

Who was Harvey?
That was Pugsley Addams middle name.

What is quick silver?

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.