Wanting To Know

  1. What is meant by a break in the weather?
    It is like breaking wind, but wetter.

2.   Why does thunder clap?
To alert you that you just contracted a venereal disease.

3.   What is a heat wave?
This is what fans do when they stand up and sit down while attending a ballgame on a hot summer day.

4.   What are hot pants?

5.   Who or what is canned heat?

6.   Who sang ‘The heat is on’?
A dog in heat.

7.   Where will you find hot air?
Most of the House and half of the Senate.

8.   Who starred in the film Heat?
Martha and the Vandellas

9.   Who or what is Hot Gossip?
Talk is cheap, but this conversation takes place when she puts on a see-through nightgown over her lacy black underwear.

10. What is a hot toddy?
That is a code word for having sex with someone who is more than twice your age.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

What Happened to TV?

  1. What TV show was the first “reality” TV show?
    The Dick Van Dyke show.
  1. What is the premise of Top Chef?
    This show starts out with hog calling and then they grease up all the pigs and the top chef is the one who catches the biggest pig.
  1. Why is it called X Factor?
    That is because X Files was already taken.
  1. What kind of act or acts won’t you see on America’s (or Britain’s) Got Talent?
    Anyone that you would pay money to see.
  1. What show spawned the phrase, “You’ve been voted off the island”?
    Gilligan’s Island.
  1. What is the premise of Project Runway?
    Airport baggage handlers chase after planes to see if they can put one more bag on before the flight takes off.
  1. What show put a bunch of washed-up B list actors in a house together?
    Animal House.
  1. What was the first reality show to feature the an aging rock star and his family?
    Danny Bonaduce wrestles the Partridge family.
  1. What reality TV show was created in response to the popularity of Desperate Housewives?
    Frantic Felines.
  1. What was the show American Chopperabout?
    This show is about chopping onions and everyone tunes in to watch the tears flow.

Written for Frank’s Fibbing Friday.

Fill in the Blanks

1.A stitch in time saves…………………………………
2. Too many cooks…………………………………………….
3. Many hands make………………………………………….
4. A bird in the hand ……………………………………
5, Actions speak louder……………………………………….
6. All that glitters………………………………………………
7. People in glass houses……………………………………
8. Fools rush in ……………………………………………
9. Don’t count your chickens …………………………
10. Give them an inch…………………………………………

1.Cat food
2. Like onions
3. The world go around
4. Is better than one that shits on your head
5. To those who listen
6. Is not glam rock
7. Should invest in curtains
8. When they smell gold
9. Count your eggs
10. And they will convert it to the metric system

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Lying Through My Teeth

  1. sphincter
    This is a passage to the dark country.
  1. phalanges
    This is part of your biceps muscle and it gets really big on weight lifters.
  1. rectum
    This is a sexual organ that is packed with loads of sensitive nerve endings.
  1. varicose
    This is the part of your body that hurts when you get a sore throat.
  1. aorta
    This is located inside of your nose, so you can snort with your aorta.
  1. vein
  1. artery
    This is the muscle used when you fart.
  1. alveolus
    Just taking a wild guess here, part of your brain.
  1. bacteria
    Cell clusters formed from ultrasound pictures.
  1. virus
    Something created by those damn Russians.

Written for Frank’s Fibbing Friday.

Products We All Love

Di asks us to try and make sense out of TV/Advertising slogans this week.

  1. You either love it or hate it.
    It may not taste that great, but yogurt is good for you.

2. They said you want to ‘Splash it all over’
Acne Spot Care makes your pimples disappear overnight.

3. Why have cotton when you can have silk?
Miracle Sheets & Pillowcases will give you a better night’s sleep.

  1. ‘Because you’re worth it ‘
    The Magic Wand Rechargeable was made for you.

5. ‘It does exactly what it says on the tin……..’
Cure Monkey Butt with our soothing gel.

6. What ‘Gives you wings’?
Angel Panty Liners have wings which wrap around the panties, providing additional stability.

7. Where will you find an ‘awful lot of coffee’?
Brazil Air, we are waiting for you.

8. What is ‘Any time, any place, anywhere……… ?’
Try our quick-dry nail polish that does its job just under 60 seconds.

9. What is soft, strong, and very, very long?
Country Hog edible sausage casings.

10. Name the product where ‘A little dab’ll do ya’
Try our Great Lubes for Anal Play.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Truth Doesn’t Matter

  1. What exactly is a “rhetorical question?”
    It is obliviously not going to be simple.
  1. What is meant by a “hair’s breadth”?
    Something ubiquitously accepted to stand for the margin between success and failure.
  1. How long is a “New York minute”?
    It is 45 seconds faster than a Hollywood minute, which goes by much slower because they have to plan for scenes to be retaken many times and in between you have to redo your hair and makeup so they are perfect, you speak to your agent, you talk to gossip columnists about your plan to be on the red carpet and you practice giving your acceptance speech where you will mention all the people that you love.
  1. What does it mean to “fly by the seat of your pants”?
    I think this question should have been why was there a fly on Mike Pence’ head.
  1. What does “by the skin of your teeth” mean?
    This is how Trump escaped justice.
  1. What are “the dog days of summer”?
    These are the days when all the fire hydrants are opened.
  1. What does it mean to “go ’round Robin Hood’s barn“?
  1. What does it mean when a project “gets the green light”?
    Dance like nobody is watching.
  1. What does it mean to “eighty-six” something?
    That is when you don’t make it to the bathroom in time.
  1. What or where exactly is “file thirteen”?
    This is also called the Trump combover, which is not a good look.

Written for Frank’s Fibbing Friday.

Having Some Fun

  1. What is a menagerie?
    That is a French word for three people having sex.

2. What is Victoria’s Secret?
She doesn’t want anyone to know that she goes both ways.

3. What is the secret of The Black Magic Box?
It is a new song from Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion.

4. What do hurricanes, tornadoes and mosquitoes have in common?
They can all bite you in the ass.

5. What do Merlin and a Griffin have in common?
Merlin rescued Arthur from a Griffin.

6. Complete this famous trio: Sooty, Sweep and ……………………..
Chim chim cher-ee

7. Who are the Telly Tubbies?
Cocaine smugglers.

8. Why are Hymns not called Hers?
This goes back to the days where people spoke Medieval Latin, when the term “men” was used to refer to all human beings, men and women alike.

9. Whose signature logo is The Whopper?
That is the Dairy Queen because she got pregnant when the Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

  1. What is skiffle?
    A bit of an embarrassment for Britain’s sixties.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Fibbing Friday Veteran

  1. What’s the difference between “going on holiday” and “taking a vacation”?

They are two different songs, but they are both good.

  1. What’s the difference between a “rubbish bin” and a “trash can”?

Not very much as they both seem like a waste to me.

  1. What’s the difference between the “boot” of a car and the “trunk” of a car?

The difference is vernacular, as in the US we have trunks and other places they have boots.

  1. What’s the difference between a “nappie” and a “diaper”?

A diaper can hold pee and poo, but a nappie is full of crappie.

  1. What’s the difference between the “pavement” and a “sidewalk”?

Let me shake my Magic 8 Ball to find an answer.

  1. What’s the difference between “chips” and “French fries”?

Colloquial dialect, different strokes for different folks.

  1. What’s the difference between the “bonnet” of a car and the “hood” of a car?

You can sit on the hood of your car, but if you try that on the bonnet, it will put a dent in it.

  1. What’s the difference between a “rubber” and an “eraser”?

A rubber is used before sex and an eraser is used after.

  1. What’s the difference between a “flannel” and a “washcloth”?

A flannel will do a better job of exfoliating your skin.

  1. What’s the difference between a “pram” and a “stroller”?

This is just too British for me.

Written for Frank’s Fibbing Friday.

Before They Bring the Curtain Down

  1. What is the significance of today in 1564 and 1616?
    On April 23 1564 Jimi Hendrix was born and on April 23 1616 the Ramones started punk rock.
  2. Who said “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players’
    Humphrey Bogart.
  3. Who was widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and one of the world’s greatest dramatists?
    The Northumbrian Cædmon.
  4. What was The Globe?
    This is a spherical shaped map made by Martin Behaim.
  5. ‘Much ado about nothing’ was about what?
    Mostly nonsense.
  6. Who were Titania and Oberon?
    Titania and Oberon were sweethearts oh Lordy how they did love and they swore to be true to each other true as the stars above.
  7. Who were known as The Weird Sisters or Wayward Sisters?
    They lived down the block from me and their mother dressed them in weird clothes and she would beat them if they put their weird clothes on wire hangers.
  1. What is Bardolatry?
    This is a fantasy about making love to Brigitte Bardot.
  1. Who said ‘Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none ‘.
    May West.
  1. Who was known as The Swan of Avon?

Ringo Starr after he walked in drunk and told Clapton and Harrison, “the swans, that they live in the park”.

Written for Di’s Fibbing Friday.

Once Again

1.What exactly is a “Five and Dime”?
This is where you get five joints for ten dollars.

2. What gets sold at a “General Store”?
A General Store is where general Custer invented custard, so this is where you buy custard.

3. Why are they called “Department Stores”?
They got this name so people could buy Ladies’ lingerie without being embarrassed.

4. What’s so convenient about a “Convenience Store”?
They got this name, because they were easy to rob.

5. What is a “Blue Light Special”?
Two hookers for the price of one.

6. Why do some people call all soda, “Coke”?
Only the soda jerks do that.

7. What franchise is nicknamed “The Home of the Whopper”?
Plus Size for Fat Girls

8. Which franchise claims to be “Finger-lickin’ Good”?
Best Friends Lick and Finger Toys

9. What does “IHOP” stand for?
I Hate Old People

10. What does “Scattered, Smothered, and Covered” mean?
This is what happens in a mosh pit.

Written for Frank’s Fibbing Friday.