Inability To Display Same-Sex Affection

Contrary to what some people may belief, I am not homophobic, as I don’t have any dislike or am I in the least bit prejudiced against gay people.  I had a bad experience one time when I went for a haircut.  I had only had female stylists cut my hair for years and one day when I went to the hair salon, they said it would be an hour wait for a female stylist, but I could have an appointment with Lance right now.  I allowed Lance to cut my hair, but he made me uncomfortable when he started rubbing the back of my neck and I was really happy when he was done, and I will never let another man cut my hair again.  It was creepy having him touch me and I developed haphephobia because of this.  I don’t want to be treated for this phobia and I handle it by only having female doctors, as I don’t mind women touching me and men need to understand boundaries.  This is a rare specific phobia that involves the fear of touching or of being touched and mine is specific to being touched by people of the same gender.  Haphephobia is a type of anxiety disorder, and I don’t experience any physical reaction to same-sex touch, except it makes me cringe.

Today I had an appointment with my urologist, and she is worried about my kidneys and the male nurse said that the doctor wanted him to do an ultrasound of my bladder, because she needed to check my urine retention, a condition where your bladder doesn’t empty all the way when you urinate.  He had me lay on the table and then he put his hands on my shorts to pull them down which made me feel uncomfortable, so I told him, “Please don’t put your hands inside of my pants, as it creeps me out.”  I told him that I could do that myself.  If it had been a female nurse, I would have let her do whatever she wanted, as I would not have considered that to be an intrusion.  Any time I am touched by a member of the opposite sex, it feels relatively pleasant to me, and I repulsed if someone of the same sex touches me.  The nurse told me that 100 ml of residual urine is considered to be an abnormal level and my ultrasound showed a level of 80 ml, so I guess my kidneys are good today.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “There is nothing to fear, but the fear itself”, so I know this is all in my mind, but I feel that everyone has something that creeps them out.  My anxiety disorder makes me avoid same sex affection, so I have a relatively small chance of ever becoming gay (not that there is anything wrong with that).  I am apprehensive about the people that I am around when it comes to any situation that involves touching.  If it is for a short duration like being touched on the wrist to have my pulse taken, I would still rather have it be a female touching me, but since you can’t always get what you want, I would be able to tolerate a man doing that and I am able to shake a man’s hand when I am introduced to somebody new.  There was one handshake that I considered to be creepy, when this guy kept hanging on to my hand for a prolonged period of time and it felt like he was trying to caress my hand.  I will end this by saying that gender is a very important consideration for me when it comes down to touching.

Written for FOWC with Fandango – Contrary.