My biggest fear is that of being touched by another man, because I get uncomfortable even when another guy gets too close while trying to talk with me. This is not homophobia, as I don’t dislike or have anything against gay people, but I don’t want them touching me and I would prefer not to see them kissing each other. The other day a male nurse did an ultrasound of my bladder to see how much urine I was holding and he slid his hands inside of my shorts to wipe off the gel after he was done. I could have wiped it off by myself and he never asked my permission to put his hands inside of my shorts and underwear. If it was a female nurse, I would not have minded that intrusion at all. I guess this all stems from a negative experience that I had once when this guy cut my hair.
I went to this salon to get my hair cut and I used to only having females cut my hair, but they said that it would be a long wait and if this guy could cut my hair, I would be the next customer. I got the creeps when he started rubbing the back of my neck and I almost walked out at that point, but I let him finish, but from then on, no matter how long the wait, I was never going to let another man cut my hair again. I have a female dentist, a female doctor and a female eye doctor, because I don’t mind females touching me. I don’t have a fear of intimacy and I enjoy hugging, kissing and touching women, as well as being physically close to any woman, but I get totally opposite feelings when I am around men. My fear of being touched is specific to one gender and I love getting a massage every now and then, but I could never enjoy this if it was a man touching me. I realize that my fear is irrational, but it is who I am, or who I have become.
I don’t know anyone else that suffers from this disorder that I have and maybe I am just a gynocentric type of guy. The female body fascinates me, but I don’t enjoy looking at the male body, be it a Greek god or whatever. I will take Aphrodite inside of her clamshell any day rather than looking at Hercules whatever he is doing. I do not fear any man, but if they get too close to me, that will make me uncomfortable. I am OK being around men, as long as no touching is involved and anything that falls outside the norm of heterosexual sexual desire will not work for me.
Written for Mindlovemisery’s Menagerie Tale Weaver – Fear – hosted by Stephanie Colpron of Word Adventures.