Pay No Attention to That Man Behind the Curtain

Toto wasn’t around to pull back the curtain, so he cut through the curtain and let the cat out of the bag, thinking that it was a whole lot easier letting the cat out of the bag than trying to stuff it back in.  He was tired of having a secret identity and he figured that it was about time to reveal this secret and disclose the facts that were previously hidden.  He wanted to be a Super-Hero and that is why he thought that he needed a secret identity, but he didn’t have any special abilities other than watching too many He-Man cartoons as a child.

He had a utility belt, but he didn’t have any neat gadgets on it.  He tried wearing spandex for a while, but that made him break out in hives, so he had to go back to normal clothes.  He hung out in a dark alleyway to try and fight crime, but he got mugged, so he decided that hiding behind this curtain would be much safer.  The curtain was set up behind his parents’ garage and he started calling himself Curtain Boy.  I know how stupid that name sounds, but at 27 and still depending on his parents, this kid was not very bright.  All the neighbors warned their children not to go near the man behind the curtain, feeling that he was mentally deranged.

He told everyone that he had the ability to talk with pigeons and some people would drop off stale bread so he could feed them.  Last night a pigeon pooped in his eye and his right eye was tearing from the bird bomb, but what most people don’t know is that most birds will pee and poop at the same time, because it all comes out of the same place, so he got the poo-pee combo package.  He finally realized that it was ridiculous trying to pretend that he was a superhero and he went crying back to his mother.

Written for Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge #95.