I Got Nothing

I have no idea where this is going, but if I keep at it, I hope to be able to transform this post into something that is interesting.  I am staring into space, waiting to get struck by an asteroid, looking at a blank screen, because the prompts did not reveal any type of story to me today.  I will continue, but all I am thinking about now is that defective parrot, which I noticed in the pet shop.  I felt so sorry for the poor little fellow when I saw him sitting on his little perch, because it didn’t have any feet or legs.  I exclaimed, “I wonder what happened to this parrot?”, and to my surprise the parrot said, “I was born this way.  I’m a defective parrot.”  I said, “Holy crap, you actually understood what I said and you are able to answer me!”  The parrot replied, “I got every word, as I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.”  I said, “If that is the case, then tell me how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?”

“Well”, the parrot said, “this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.  You can’t see it, because of my feathers.”  I replied, “Wow, you even have a gifted weenie and you really can understand, and you can speak English rather well, can’t you?”  The parrot said, “Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I’m especially well versed on ornithology.  You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.”

I looked at the price tag which said $200.00, and I told the parrot, “Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.” The bird said, “Pssssssst”, wanting me to come closer to the cage and then he whispered, “I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!” I did like the bird told me, offering the pet store owner $20, and I ended up walking out with the parrot.  Weeks went by and the parrot was sensational.  He has this great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. I was delighted.

One day when I came home from work, the parrot said, “Pssssssst” again, and he motioned me with one of his wings to come closer.  When I was right next to his cage, he said, “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife, and the UPS man.”  I wanted to know so I said, “Go ahead, tell me what you are talking about?”  The parrot went on, “When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, wearing a sheer black nightie.”  I said, “What, maybe it was just a fluke and she did not realize that she was dressed that way.  I think that I know which UPS man you are talking about and he is nothing but a Pecksniffian elitist, but please tell me what happened next.”

The parrot said, “Well, then the UPS man came into the house like he was some kind of king, and he lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over.”  I exclaimed, “’No I can’t believe that she let him do that as I always thought that she is such an angel.”  The parrot said emphatically, “Yes, and then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over like he was at a picnic.”  Now I was frantic and I demanded to know what happened next, but the parrot said, “I can’t tell you because I don’t know.  I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!”

I said, “Out off all the cockamamie conclusions for a story to end with, you had to fall off your perch, just at the most interesting part.  I guess I will never know what really happened with my wife and the UPS man.”  The bird said, “I think that the nanny cam was on, maybe you could check that and see if it gives you the answer that you are looking for, and if you find out that she did something inappropriate, then you could post it on social media to get back at her.”

Written for Daily Addictions – Transform, for FOWC with Fandango – Continue, for June Writing Prompts where today June 30 is ‘Cockamamie conclusions’, for Sheryl’s New Daily Post Word – Pecksniffian, for Ragtag Community – Fluke, for Scotts Daily Prompt – Angel, for Swimmers the New Community Pool prompt – King, for Teresa’s Haunted Wordsmith Three Things Challenge where the three prompt words are “picnic, asteroid and social media” and for Word of the Day Challenge – Emphatically.