Jerry wrote to the Sex Help Line and said, “My girlfriend and I have been together almost four months now, and I have become dissatisfied with several aspects of our relationship. I feel rejected, because we are no longer being intimate with each other, and also the frequency and variety along with the quality of our lovemaking has severely diminished, since we first got together. I understand that we are still in a very early stage of our relationship, but she just doesn’t put out anymore. In the beginning, everything was great and she was the one who was pursuing me, but in the last month or so, she has always had some kind of excuse for why she doesn’t wanna have sex.
Her excuses are becoming more frequent, she has a headache, she is tired, she don’t feel good, she is stressed out, she is worried about her job, she is not in the mood and it’s too late, seem to be the most common ones. It is not like we are an old couple that is married with kids and this gets frustrating for me. I keep thinking that if I give her time, that things will improve for us in the sack. Is it normal for a relationship to go through hot and cold spells concerning sex?”
Doctor Love wrote back, “Normal is defined as conforming to a standard, something that is considered to be usual, typical, or expected. As labels tend to proliferate our society today, and new mental disorders are being defined, this will eventually lead to every person on the planet having some type of label. There is a real force behind this proliferation of labels which has increased because of technology and this allows us to see ourselves as we’ve never been seen before. Sexual relationship problems are surprisingly common and they can cause distress, but many people find it very difficult to talk about their personal issues.
Many couples wonder about what is average when it comes to the amount of sex that they are having, however the answer is never perfectly clear, however among younger couples about once a week is what most people think of as being normal. Perhaps instead of you asking if this is ‘normal’ or not, a better question might be for you to ask is ‘Are you OK?’. You need to consider whether you want to continue with your relationship the way it has become, or move on to something else. You can’t force her to change for you, as that would be a disaster waiting to happen, and you can’t force yourself to not live the way that you want, because some girl wants you to change.
Sex is complicated and there are many things to consider, as biology drives humans to have sex in some form or another. Sex means different things to different people and it can include foreplay, cuddling sessions, kissing, hugging and penetration. Sexual activity among partners becomes a core part of the way they get along (or don’t get along) with each other. Just because humans have brains to reason about sex and we have the ability to talk about sex, this does not mean that we are all able to navigate and negotiate sex.
For us humans, sex is so much more than the interaction of a sperm and egg for reproduction purposes, as it always involves some sort of negotiation. You both need to negotiate your needs to each other and plan how you will get them met. Every couple needs to figure out what works for them, at each stage of the relationship. Sex is an essential element of relational intimacy, it is a key to personal fulfillment, and it is crucial for relationship longevity. Sex involves everything and anything that feels sexual in nature and it drives people to find their potential mates, and even after they think that they have found what they are looking for, every couple must decide what their repertoire will include and also work out the frequency of how often they want to engage in it.
You should consider the possibility that she is no longer sexually attracted to you, especially since she keeps on saying that she’s not in the mood. Communication is the key to most successful relationships, but when it comes to sex, actions often speak louder than words. Romance should never feel like a chore, as sex is an act of love that should never be mundane and it should always be consensual. Women want to be taken, so when you are together, don’t ask her if she is in the mood or not, just grab her, throw her on the bed, hold her body firmly with your arms and give her what she needs. Don’t let yourself become a stand-in boyfriend, where there is lots of kissing that never ends up in you having any sex.
It is difficult for many men to ignore a sexy woman, but you must stop wasting your time if she is not putting out for you and try to focus on getting your own needs met. Everyone is responsible for getting their our sexual needs resolved. It’s not your partner’s job to sexually satisfy you, as you bear the sole responsibility for that. Whatever it takes you must get your needs met, even if you have to do this all alone by yourself. If you want excitement in your relationship, you have to be willing to put in the effort to make that happen. If she’s not in the mood, perhaps she would be okay with helping you masturbate. Don’t be afraid to say yes to trying some new things, maybe you could talk her into wearing something sexy, while she watches you take care of yourself?
There is a chance that you are making yourself too available, or maybe you are being too needy, and this caused her to change from being the person that was initially attracted to you. Nobody likes someone who is always available, as that takes all the fun out of a relationship. No matter how much you want to spend time with your partner, being too available will make you seem needy, like you don’t have a life of your own and this can lead to your partner taking advantage of you. The best strategy to combat this, is to play hard to get, as when it comes to availability, less can equate to being more.
Get your own life, back off from her, contact her less, don’t reply to her messages, and maybe you should start flirting with other girls. Let her know that you are busy and you don’t have any available time to spend with her. The modern term for this is soft nexting. This is where a man removes a woman from his life for a short period of time, usually three to seven days, during which he completely ignores her. There is a good chance that at the end of the soft next period, the relationship may resume as normal again. If it doesn’t and you don’t see yourself marrying this girl sometime in the future, then it’s time to break up.
An American poet, named Ogden Nash wrote a poem where he said, ‘Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker’, where candy is a metaphor that refers to being nice to a girl, but alcohol can be used to achieve the desired ending much faster. Drinking can loosen up girls and they may do things that they would never do when they are sober. Incorporating a little bit of alcohol can go a long way to getting your girlfriend to start putting out for you. Take her out to a bar, or go to a night club and have good time while you get drunk together with her and then when you get back home, have some crazy monkey sex.”
Written for 12/9/17 Linda G. Hill’s ‘Life in progress’ Stream of Consciousness Saturday where the prompt is to find a word that starts with “liqu” or has “liqu” in it.