Why did I get the short straw? This is the last place that I ever want to go to, but the big man upstairs personally selected me for this mission. Was it something that I said, or did, or was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Who am I kidding, I knew exactly why I was selected. When the big man sends you anyplace, you go. There are no ifs, ands or buts and definitely no excuses.
When I met my demise, I spent some time in purgatory, well maybe that is not the right way to put it, as time did not exist in this place. I wondered why I had not been sent to the other place, as I died in a stolen car that I wrecked after escaping from prison. Then I found myself standing at the pearly gates where I met Peter, and he flat out told me that I did not belong there, but orders came from higher up and I was to be let in. I was a cutthroat, a scoundrel, a sleaze, a real scumbag, but on the back of my drivers license, I had checked that box registering me as an organ donor. The recipients of my organs kept praying that God would show me mercy.
When the gates opened I found out that no one else up here had any desire to enter that deep bottomless hole, but God thought it was time for negotiations and I was to be the delegate, the intermediary, the go-between emissary to arrange this contest of good and evil between the Exalted and the Fallen. God had decided that He would make a gesture of forgiveness and if things went well, that Satin and all of the dammed souls would be paroled from hell.
I was being sent to the realm of the dead, a place where evil spirits dwell, and even the worst of these demons feared being sent here and they tried at all costs to avoid incurring this sentence. I would be in the thick of it, so much that I would be able to see and smell the smoke rising from that lake of fire, which is tended by some ominous beast or fire breathing dragon, as this prison held the dregs of society, along with the fallen angels. I was to meet the original bad dude of all time, Satan the devil himself who would probably be making plans to destroy the Earth. I was not sure if I would have to pass by any multi-headed dogs or slithering snakes or whatever, but with my looks I probably would fit right in.
I had many tattoos and my prisoner number was even tattooed on my face. I was a villain, I always routed for the bad guys and because of my attitude I realized that there was no chance for me to ever be rehabilitated. God promised to protect me as long as I did not eat or drink anything while I was in this horrible place. The time had come for me to fall into the abyss and I floated for what seemed like forever, but I landed softly and I said to this gruesome creature, ‘Take me to your leader.’
I was brought before Lucifer who was sitting on an iron throne with a satin pillow. The devil asked me why I was here. I trembled in his presence, but then I spoke and said, ‘God thinks that you have been punished long enough and if you are willing to make amends, you will be released from the confines of this realm of evil and suffering, so that you can enter the world above again.’ Satan said, ‘I would rather remain here for eternity, than have to bow down to Him again.’ I replied, ‘Yea that is what God told me that you would say, so he is proposing a game to be played where you can win your freedom. If your team wins, everyone down here will be set free, but if you lose then you will have to stay here for another thousand years before He makes another offer like this.’
I went on, ‘You would be a fool not to accept this challenge, as it seems like the deal of the millennium to me. There is nothing for you to lose and everything to gain. God is suggesting that a baseball game between us and you be played and God will ensure that no one on either side cheats, actually he is more concerned with you guys trying to cheat. You will select nine souls that will take human form and the game will last nine innings. God will give you your choice of whether you want to bat first or not.’
Satan replied, ‘I will accept the challenge, but you must tell me something first. I have been following you for your whole life and I am perplexed that you wound up being taken up there instead of being thrown down here with me.’ I answered, ‘I was as surprised as much as you are, but it was through prayer that I landed in the good place. I suggest that you start praying if you want to win this game.’ Satan said, ‘That has never been my thing and I won’t be doing any praying, but perhaps you have some other advice for me.’ I said, ‘Get some breath mints.’