Torrential

We had such a dry spring, so I guess it is a good thing.  It is coming down in buckets and these buckets are filled with cats and dogs or is that even possible?  Why does a hard rain make the worms crawl out of the ground?  They squirm their way up to the surface without making a sound.  Do they just want to feed all the early birds?  When I was young, there was a kid in the neighborhood that would eat a worm if you gave him a quarter.  Strange, I remember what house he lived in, but can’t seem to remember his name and I wonder whatever became of him.  I have never seen him at the hot dog eating contest and I know his name was not Joey Chestnut.

One time in a bar this guy took a dare that he would not be able to eat a whole pack of cigarettes including filters and packaging.  He said he would do it if he could win $25 and we got up the prize money for him.  We chose the cigarette brand and I am not sure if it was Lark or possibly Tareyton’s, but I do remember they had charcoal filters, which everybody was sure would make him sick.  I don’t think that you would ever see a group of girls doing anything like this, because they are so much smarter than guys are.  Long story short, or getting to the point, in summary, he ate all the cigarettes, filters and the packaging.  Pretty gross!

One time I was playing darts at a friend’s house and I was losing horribly as I was down a hundred bucks in what started out as a friendly game.  He told me that if I drank the rest of what was in the bottle of tequila that he would let me off the hook.  There was probably about 12 shots left and that nasty looking worm at the bottom.  I was feeling no pain at this point and I agreed, as long as I could have some beers to wash it down with.  He said that I could only drink the beer after I had finished the bottle off and eaten the worm.  I hate tequila, so I just paid him the money and left.

One time I took a dare where I had to drink a glass of beer every minute for a whole hour and this had to be done within the first 15 seconds of each minute.  This meant a lot of chugging, but it also gave me 45 seconds of rest between each glass.  The beer was ordered in pitchers and my friends paid for all of it.  They encouraged me to keep on drinking.  I think it was just a 4-ounce glass, which is really nothing for me, but 60 of them adds up to 240 ounces or 1.875 gallons of beer.  I won a $30 for being able to do this, but when it was over I really had to go pee.

The rain has ended now and I quit drinking a long time ago.  I will have to check the pool later as the worms always seem to enjoy swimming there.  I scoop them out with a net, or sometimes I just brush them into the filter.  Not trying to be morbid but this reminds me of that song we used to sing about the Hearse when I was young.  I don’t think that kids sing this anymore, as many of my students had never heard of ‘On Top of Spaghetti’.

Don’t ever laugh as a Hearse goes by for you may be the next to die.  They wrap you up in a big white sheet from your head down to your feet.  They put you in a big black box and cover you up with dirt and rocks and all goes well for about a week and then your coffin begins to leak and the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out the worms play pinochle on your snout.  They eat your eyes, they eat your nose they eat the jelly between your toes.  A big green worm with rolling eyes crawls in your stomach and out your eyes your stomach turns a slimy green and puss comes out like whipping cream you spread it on a slice of bread and that’s what you eat when you’re dead and the worms crawl out and the worms crawl in the worms that crawl in are lean and thin the ones that crawl out are fat and stout your eyes fall in and your hair falls out your brain comes tumbling down your snout and the worms crawl in, the worms crawl out they crawl all over your dirty snout your chest caves in and your eyes pop out your brain turns to sauerkraut they invite their friends, and their friends too they all come down to chew on you and this is what it is to die, I hope you had a nice goodbye did you ever think as a Hearse goes by that you might be the next to die and your eyes fall out and your teeth decay and that is the end of a perfect… day.

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